Landy Peek (00:00)
Welcome to the Landy Peak podcast. I'm your host and friend, Landy Peak, and I am thrilled to have you join me. In each episode, we will explore what makes life truly fulfilling. Happiness, deep connections, and self -discovery. Together we'll uncover that happiness is not a destination, but a way of living. Now, let's dive into today's episode.
Landy Peek (00:31)
Hello, hello, this is your friend Landy and I'm so excited to have you join me back on the Landy Peak podcast. Today we're going to have a little chat about don't take it personally. And I have my own personal story to share about how I took something personally and ended up making it into a fight that didn't need to be a fight.
Landy Peek (00:55)
what I say, don't take it personally. What I mean is so many times we take what other people think, other people's actions, other people's even experiences very personally that we almost take responsibility or own their experience.
So here's what I mean. I began, especially in the last year, really noticing where in my life I am getting the most hurt, the most upset, and it came down really to two big areas. Number one, where I was taking things personally, and I'm gonna explain that today and really go into it.
And number two, when I was making assumptions, which I'm gonna touch on as well today, So many times we take things personally that have nothing to do with us.
maybe you've experienced this as well, where you take a belief about yourself. I'm not good enough. I'm not smart enough. I'm whatever it is because of somebody else's reaction.
I see this, especially in professionals, a lot, where we take our clients experience really personally, where an example of a teacher that I know, she had a student who was really struggling in school.
as this child struggled, the teacher got more and more upset with the child, with the situation, this child not being able to read in the teacher's overlay of stories meant that the teacher was not a good teacher.
maybe you experienced something similar and I've seen it with therapists where a client has not gotten the results that maybe both the client and the therapist were hoping for. And so the therapist takes it personally that they did a bad job. And it's not that, right? We each have our own journeys. We each have our own experiences. And coming back to this teacher, she can be the most incredible teacher, talented teacher.
And she's doing everything that she can to support this child. And the child could still struggle to read. And it has nothing to do with the teacher and has nothing to do with her skills. It has everything to do with the child's brain and how it's processing the written language. And it's not that the child was not trying. it's that the brain just was not computing.
in the way that everyone wanted it to. And instead of being able to take a step back, see it's the child's journey and the teacher is completely separate from this, the teacher took it personally, now overlaying the story that she's a bad teacher because the child struggled, which isn't true, right? But we do this and I did this.
personally in my life recently. And I'm going to share that story where I overlaid a story that wasn't true and ended up creating quite the fight with my daughter. And so I want to share that with you. And as we go through, I'm going to invite you to get really curious.
Where are you taking people's words or reactions and saying it's about you? It's because you're this, that, or the other. And it really isn't. Where are you inserting yourself into somebody else's journey? Like I will share in my story. And it's not your journey to be on.
Right? So just get curious as we're going through, because I think it's going to be really enlightening as you see how we take things personally and how we can step back and really realize that most often people's reactions have nothing to do with us or the words we say and everything to do with the filter and experiences and viewpoint that they have.
you'll really realize this and you may really understand this. if you've experienced where you've said something and two people have taken it completely different and it really had nothing to do with you and it had nothing to do with your words
it had everything to do with their perception, their filter, their experiences. The words in you were exactly the same. So we'll dive into my personal experience and story and share a little bit with another example about how you and what you say really isn't the issue and how not to take it personally.
Landy Peek (06:01)
we so often put our own beliefs, our own experiences on other people. And we truly believe that they're going to react just like us. And so when something happens that may or may not make them upset, but would make us upset, then we're going to assume that they are going to be upset.
I a conversation with a client recently and it really brought to light my own experience with my daughter. I want to be real with you. So we can dismantle beliefs that number one, we have to be perfect and life has to be perfect and we can't make mistakes and we can't show that we're vulnerable and that we're human.
And so I want to be that example for you. So you can say, Hey, me too. I don't know if you're like me, We have several families that we do things with and they have kids our same ages. And I absolutely love being with them when their kids are melting down or just being little tyrants. the why behind that is because it makes me feel better.
Cause I'm like, my gosh, me too. My kid acts just like that. Me too. Right? It's that connection point. It's I'm not the only one struggling with this. Hey, we're normal. I want you to feel that through this podcast that what you're going through is normal and you're not the only one.
One of our biggest stressors and fears in our life is that people aren't going to think we're good enough.
We worry so much about other people's opinions. And it really comes back to those two fundamental fears we as humans have that we're going to be rejected and that we're not going to be seen as good enough. and it taps into so much of how we react in our life. And this really ties into my story today.
the other night I was battling, for lack of a better word, arguing all weekend with my daughter over a homework assignment. it really came to head on Sunday night. So we had spent all weekend arguing about it she was refusing to do it. I was pushing to have her do this homework assignment and it was Sunday night and she still doesn't have it done.
I'm getting really stressed.
she's not stressed about it at all. I'm the one that's stressed. And so it comes to a, have to do this. This is your homework assignment. It's Sunday night. You're not getting, and then, know, of course, the parent thing of like, you're not getting your iPad until this gets done, which then blows up
And she's just refusing to do it.
So we'd really come into this argument. You have to do it. She's refusing. I'm threatening. She's refusing. And I hit pause.
because we were not getting anywhere and both of us were upset.
I came back and I really got a clear understanding of what was going on in her mind. it was an assignment where they got to pick three things to take to school to share about themselves so they could learn about each other in the class.
there were a couple of factors that were keeping her from doing this. For me, it's like pick three things. I can list three things that tell about you. Get them in the bag, put them in your backpack. Let's go. And she was no. So number one.
I've talked before about we have a different sense of urgency. my viewpoint experience is that you do homework, type A personality, you do homework ahead of time. you have it done on the due date. And that's it. And in her mind, they were doing these all week.
She was just going to not get it done for Monday morning.
see how it went and if she got called on just tell her teacher oops I forgot it and then bring it in later in the week because everyone was going to have a turn by Friday so in her mind she didn't have to go Monday she could get it done by Friday and be fine. I disagreed that wasn't my viewpoint.
If the assignment was due on Monday, then we do it on Monday.
I asked her, but what if you get picked first thing on Monday? And she's like, then I say, you don't have it done.
Her thing is, I have at least until Tuesday because I just won't raise my hand on Monday. Like, well, what if you're picked? What if she doesn't give you the opportunity to raise her hand?
Why don't you just do it now and have it in case she does call on you tomorrow?
And we dug a little deeper and the assignment was making her uncomfortable
Socially, she wanted to make sure that what she brought was going to show her in a good light.
she was really looking at what each thing was going to say about her and how does this mean for me socially? What are people going to think about me? It comes back to that I'm not going to be good enough, right? We both had this fear. If I bring this in, what are they going to think? And she wanted to have that day where other people brought stuff so she could base it what she brought.
she would rather get in trouble by the teacher for not having the homework complete and saying, my gosh, I'm sorry I forgot, than be embarrassed in front of her peers. Now what I didn't realize at the time was that we're both struggling with the same thing, the social of not being good enough.
because I wanted her to do that assignment in the worst way so that the teacher would not think I was a bad parent.
We were both fighting around that social consequence.
I was taking it personally that she was not doing her homework because in my thought process, I was saying, if she doesn't have her homework done, then the teacher is going to think that I'm a bad parent. This is brand new school year, brand new teacher. I want to have that, that good social standing of I'm a good parent. And as I step back and I really listened to her,
and understood that we were both going for the same, I don't want to be a bad parent and she doesn't want to look like a fool in front of her friends, that we both have a set of choices and we both had consequences. And she was okay with the consequence of potentially getting in trouble with her teacher to save face socially. And I was not okay with that choice, right? It was out of my control.
when I was able to be calm and think like the calm parent and say, okay, this is her life journey and her life experiences. And I can't put myself in her journey. And honestly, what she chooses does not reflect upon me.
So I'm gonna say that again because I want you to really hear this. What other people choose does not reflect upon you. You are responsible for you. My daughter's responsible for her. I'm responsible for me. Now as a parent, yes, I can say, You have to eat, you have to go to sleep, you all those kinds of things that she's a child and I need to be responsible for that, but for her experience. Because here's where it got tricky. Because,
I said, well, can't you just pick three things, put it in your backpack? if you don't want to share them, don't get it out of your backpack and bring it home and change them for Tuesday. But then you at least did the assignment. At least it's in your backpack. Why did I need it in her backpack? Because that made me a good parent. I literally said this to her. I got so upset that I'm like,
But I'm a good parent if you have it in your backpack. And she looks at me and she's like, mom, what does it matter if I have it in my backpack and refuse to get it out or if I just don't bring it? The teacher still doesn't realize I have it. And I'm like, okay, good point. I'm putting myself so much into her worrying about the social ramifications of me.
that she's completely right. I felt like a good parent if she had it in her bag. The teacher honestly wouldn't know the difference if she had it in her bag or she just didn't have it, if she doesn't turn it in. If no matter if it's in her bag or if it's at home and she says, sorry, I forgot it, the teacher still thinks, well, her parent didn't make sure she had it. And that's my overlay into the teacher's thinking. No idea if that's what the teacher would think.
Maybe the teacher's like, assumes everybody got it done and you just forgot it on the kitchen counter. Who knows? But I'm overlaying so much of my experience, my judgments into the situation of what the teacher's going to think, of what that's going to mean around me. And I had to step back and say, you know what? It's her journey and she's 100 % right. Aha moment. She's 100 % right. It really doesn't matter if she has it in her bag.
Or if she doesn't bring it, if she doesn't tell the teacher about it, the teacher will have the same opinion.
And so as I was able to step back as that calm parent and it took me a while.
Realizing her journey is her journey and I can't put myself in that and I can't change it. It's not my place to come swoop in and safer or change things for her.
she gets to experience her own life experiences and some of the best learning lessons are those natural consequences. And it's my job to support her where I can, to be her cheerleader, but I can't go in the school building and turn her homework in for her. That's a little bit overstepping, if not a lot of it overstepping. I can't fight the fights for her.
She has to live with those consequences. She gets to make those decisions. And while it's hard as a parent, I also have to understand it means nothing about me.
She was really focused on mom, this is my homework. Why is this such a big deal for you?
And that's when I said, because if you don't turn in your homework, if you don't have it done and in your backpack, then I'm not a good parent. And this is the beginning of the school year. And I really want to be seen as a good parent. This was my own insecurity showing up because honestly, does it mean I'm not a good parent if she doesn't bring her homework to school? I mean, how many of us as kids or have kids
The homework's in the backpack and it never gets turned in. One of my best friends, they were cleaning out the desk of her son last year and found homework complete but never turned in. that mean that she's a bad parent? No, she helped him with the homework. He chose not to turn it in. There was consequence to that, but it means nothing about her.
And so in my head, if it was in her backpack, I'm a good parent. And she was completely right. It had nothing to do with me as a parent. If she turns in or not, nobody knows if it's in her backpack.
it was a lot of pressure to put on my own kid. That basically in my thought process, I was like, but if it's in her backpack and her teacher says anything, I can just say, well, it was in her backpack. Like I'm throwing my own kid under the bus in my head so that I could save face. And when I could step back and say, she's saving face too.
And it's not my journey. And it really doesn't mean that I'm a good or bad parent if she has the assignment in her backpack or not.
as they step back and really looked at what we could do different.
We could have done things like email the teacher and say, this assignment is really challenging. And could we plan on bringing in on Tuesday so that socially we could see what's coming up?
We could call, text friends and say, what are you putting in your backpack? Do you ever do that as a kid? I used to like message friends and say, like, what are you wearing? So that I know socially that at least there's a couple of us wearing similar things. I was so busy in my own fight of putting my own beliefs and my own worries and my own stress into the story.
that it became a weekend long fight and it was all about fear and she was resisting because of fear as well. And once I could step back and rationally work this out, I was able to say, okay, how can we make this work for both of us?
And what we came up with were three ideas that she would be okay with. And she would put it in her backpack.
the expectation was she was not going to get it out until at least Tuesday. So she had time. She was going to talk to friends when she got to school. She was going to do what she could to put it off so she didn't have to do it till Tuesday instead of showing it on Monday. But we did come to the compromise
because I did have and do have the belief of that assignment is due we need to have it done. So we talked about that.
we were able to come up with three things to put in the bag that she ended up leaving there and actually using. But it took me backing off to be able to be creative enough to get those things that she was comfortable with.
I understood that she had the choice. She conceded and had stuff in her backpack, but I understood that she had a choice that, you know, she could choose whether she got it out or said, my gosh, I forgot.
and I had to allow her to live her journey and not take it personally.
also not assuming that everybody is thinking the same way I do. I was putting assumptions on the teacher of what she was going to think about me. I was assuming that my daughter had the same beliefs about how you have to turn it in. And neither of those were probably true. I know my daughter's wasn't.
I was living through and making up my own stories about what was going to happen and creating stress and a fight over an underlying fear.
I think this is key when we can identify the underlying fear, we can lessen the stress. So once I could see that it wasn't about me, it didn't make me a good or bad parent if it was in there.
then I could take myself out of the equation and not take it personally.
And I realized how many times I was doing this in my kids' lives.
making them take their jacket, even though they weren't going to wear it the entire day, because then I was a good parent. Making sure the gym shoes were in the bag, even if they weren't going to put them on, because then I was a good parent. I really realized how many stories I had and what makes up a good parents that really weren't true.
People's perceptions really have nothing to do with us, My perception may fear that the teacher was gonna think I was a bad parent, had nothing to do with the teacher. And honestly, she probably didn't think that. just pretend with me you and I are standing on a stage and we are speaking about something fabulous.
we're on stage and there's maybe 500 people in the audience and we're looking out and I say something a little bit out there.
the people in the front row are like, my gosh, you can just see we're connecting. They're loving everything that I say.
And I say this thing and there's people in the back row that start snickering and looking like gosh, can you believe she said that? And then there's this person that's sitting on the side, just playing on their phone. hasn't even looked up.
I said the exact same thing. The 500 people in the audience heard the exact same thing, but I had three different reactions that we're just focusing on. I had the people that were like, my gosh, this is amazing. I love it. I'm buying every word you're saying. And then I had the people in the back that are like, that's awful. I hate it. They're going to stomp out of here. And then I have the person sitting there scrolling on their phone that doesn't even react.
The words were the same. The reactions were different. The reactions were different because they each have their own set of experiences. They have their own filters that they're taking those words through.
honestly, the people who are loving it, the people that are hating it, the person that's just not even paying attention, none of that reflects me.
None of that even reflects the words that I said we take personally and I could stand on that stage and I could look at those people in the back and I could ignore the people in the front who are loving it and I see the people in the back who are hating it and I could take that personally. my gosh I'm a bad speaker. my gosh how could I say that? How many times have you had a conversation and then you end the conversation and you go in your car you go home and you start replaying it. What could I said different?
And it had nothing to do with the words you said. It had nothing to do with you. It was everything to do with their perception of it, dependent on their experiences, their stories, their filters. And this is really where it's like, moment for me in that I was taking personally something that wasn't even mine. I was making up a story that wasn't even true.
we do this so often in life. if we can come to the space where I know about me, I know who I am. I know my beliefs and I'm okay challenging those, but I know my beliefs. I heard a stat somewhere. I wish I could credit it to somebody
If you put something out there in the world, about 10 % of people will love it. 10 % of people will hate it. And the other 80 %
They don't care.
And so if you look at it's the same word.
it's the same you, but you're going to have people loving you, people hating it, and people that just don't care. It's that aha moment of, whoa, okay, so I can just be me and do me. And there's going to be people that are going to love me. There's going to be people who are going to disagree. And the majority of the people really aren't going to care. And it opens up so many doors where you stop taking it personally.
Yes, there's still really personal instances like the homework where there's a deep -seated belief, but I was able to challenge that belief. I was able to look at that belief and say, you know what? Okay, I get it. I'm taking it personally where I don't need to. And I'm making up stories that aren't there. And we all do this. This is how our brains work. And we do this for a reason to keep us safe. But when we can step back,
and not take it personally.
When we can check our stories, when we can really see that somebody's reaction probably has nothing to do with us, but really has to do with them and their experiences and their filters, we can do a lot more in our lives.
And so I would love to hear your awarenesses, your aha moments from this. I would love to hear your stories and what you're taking personally, because I think we learn from each other. There is definitely that social healing, social learning phenomenon. So please reach out and share. And I want to be able to tell you
because I think every one of us should hear on a daily basis.
how incredible you are. I believe in you. You're incredible. You're smart. You're talented. You're fun. You're funny. You're creative. You're an amazing human being. And I'm so grateful to have you in my life. And I love you. And I like you.
and I wish you happiness throughout your day. We'll see you on the next episode.
Landy Peek (26:45)
Hey, before you go, just a little bit of legal. This podcast is designed for educational purposes only. It is not to replace any expert advice from your doctors, therapists, coaches, or any other professional that you would work with. It's just a chat with a friend, me, where we get curious about ideas, thoughts, and things that are going on in our lives. And as we're talking about friends, if you know someone who would benefit from the conversation today, please share.
Because I think the more that we open up these conversations, the more benefit we all get. So until next time, give yourself a big hug from me and stay curious because that's the fun in this world.
