Landy Peek (00:00)
Welcome to the Landy Peak podcast. I'm your host and friend, Landy Peak, and I am thrilled to have you join me. In each episode, we will explore what makes life truly fulfilling. Happiness, deep connections, and self -discovery. Together we'll uncover that happiness is not a destination, but a way of living. Now, let's dive into today's episode.
Landy Peek (00:31)
Hello and welcome back to the Landy Peak podcast. This is Landy Peak and I'm your friend and host today. As we talk about one of our big, systemic beliefs in society, that there's something wrong with us that we need fixing. And I'm guessing that maybe you've felt that before.
that somewhere along the way in your life, you've had that sense that there's something wrong with you in the way that you think, in the way that you act, in the way that you do, and you have to fix it. And maybe that something, that something is keeping you from getting what you want. Maybe it's that you have a hidden money belief that's keeping you from the money that you want.
Maybe there's some childhood stuff that you don't know and don't remember, but maybe that's keeping you from what you want. Maybe it's something about how you look, how you act, how you talk. There's so many things that we buy into and it is such a problematic belief. And I've seen it really perpetuated, especially in the entrepreneurial world as us entrepreneurs.
are trying to grow and change and create. And when things don't go our way in the timeframe that we want, we buy into there must be something wrong and we have to fix it. Maybe there's a block. Maybe it's our lack of motivation. And I see this in the therapy world as well, where
We're having beliefs that we can't quite figure out what's going on inside of us. And so maybe that there's something we just can't remember. Maybe we had trauma and we just don't know about it. I hate this.
And the therapy and entrepreneurial world, those are my two worlds. That's really where I'm residing. And I want to put it out there right now that this is not a bash on therapy or on entrepreneurs, but this is a chance to get really curious because I think sometimes, especially as we are leaders in our respective worlds, that our words can be very powerful.
and the insecurities that we plant and that we buy into can be really harmful. And so as we talk, yes, as marketers, we do use our insecurities to get people to buy into things. And we 100 % buy into things because of our own insecurities. And this is just a conversation that maybe we can get curious about our belief systems. I think our belief system
that there is something wrong with us and if we could just figure it out, because if we could just figure out what's wrong with us and then fix it, is creating some of our deepest internal struggles. We blame ourselves for not being able to create what we think we should be able to create in the timeframe that we think we should be able to create it. And sometimes that's just not possible.
And I have bought into this in my own life hook, line, and sinker. I've seen it in my clients as well. It is such a deep struggle. And I think for so many people, when we believe that there's something wrong with us that we need fixing, and we aren't able to get what we want in this world until we figure it out, until we find that unknown thing and then fix it,
That's creating so much stress inside ourselves. I can't tell you how much time, energy and money I have spent trying to find that thing to fix so that I can finally get what I want and do what I want and live the life that I want. And I found out, and I'm going to share with you today, that
There's nothing to fix. It's a really different issue that's going on. And I'm going to share with you what it is. And it has nothing to do with your motivation or lack thereof. And it has nothing to do with your lazy. And honestly, there's nothing wrong with you. I can guarantee that.
it honestly has nothing to do with what's going on when you look in the mirror. Because I know external things are things that we think we need fixing too. Whether we have wrinkles, yes, I have some. Gray hair, yep, that too. you look at marketing and it's such a big push. I mean, every commercial out there, they're identifying our biggest insecurities and they're selling us the fix.
sometimes, yes, it helps. And sometimes it just sends us down a rabbit hole that we start to chase. And I want to take a little bit of time today and see if we can just shift the thought that we need fixing, just to view it a little bit different. I think it is such a disservice to sell to our insecurities, but it works. And in full honesty, I've done it.
because I am a business person and that's how I learned to do it. And I think there's different ways. And so that's the journey that I'm on is how can I help people and support people and grow my own business in a way that feels authentic and supportive and isn't selling to people's insecurity. So I just talk about them instead.
I would love to invite you just to get curious. That maybe there's not something unknown or something known that you have to fix. That you have to find the root problem to be able to fix to get what you want. Because I don't think there is. I think we go on a lot of wild goose chases.
and spend a lot of time that we could be doing the things we want to do, trying to fix something because that's what we're sold. That's what we're told. all honesty, I don't think the people that are selling us that are doing it intentionally to harm us because I know I didn't. I think it's just a way that works and we're trying to help. And I don't
think that there's anything you need to fix. And so come along with me on a little journey as we get curious about the shift in language. That instead of there's something about you that's wrong and that you need to fix it, maybe instead you just want something different. A change.
I would love if by the end of this podcast, you got to the point where you're like, I'm okay. Right now I'm okay. I might not be where I want to be. I might not have the things that I want to have, but ultimately I'm okay. And I love the word and, and there's something that I want different in my life. I'm okay. And I want something different. Just entertain the difference in language between.
and notice how you feel in your body. I need to fix something about me. There's something inherently wrong with me and I need to fix it.
And the difference in, I'm okay and I wanna change and I want something different because you're not broken. I'm not broken. We're not broken. But if you're like me, there are things I wanna change. There are things that I want different in my life.
Belief systems that I've held onto have gotten me to where I am. I think a lot of times when we talk about beliefs, when we talk about motivation, when we think about our blocks, what we need fixing, and lack of motivation comes out a lot, it comes down to belief systems. And it's really the way that we're thinking. And there's nothing wrong with the way you're thinking.
It's just that the belief systems that got me and you to where we are today may not be supporting us in the way that we want. I think so many of our belief systems have worked for us quite well. And they just maybe are no longer working for us as effectively. Maybe they're just not the right fit.
But there's nothing wrong with them. And there's nothing wrong with you. We just have a mismatch. So it's like that old pair of jeans. I had a pair of jeans that I absolutely loved before I had my babies. They made me look so good. I loved how I felt when I put them on. And so I had my daughter and I kept the jeans. Years later, they still didn't quite fit.
Right. Now I could fit in them. I'm the same size as I was pre -baby now, but they still didn't fit. But I kept them. And then I got pregnant with my son. And I still kept those old jeans. We moved different states and I kept those jeans because I love them. Because I remember how it felt to put them on.
but they still didn't fit right. Now let me tell you there's nothing wrong with those jeans. And there's nothing wrong with my body.
They're just not a good fit anymore. I needed something a little different. And I think this is where so many of our struggles are coming from. It's that conflict between wanting something different, feeling inferior because we're not getting what we want and not knowing how to get it. And so today, we're really gonna talk about a couple of different ideas around
You don't need fixing. And around what I think the true cause of that struggle within us is, what makes that discomfort? What makes us search so hard for that external thing, that external person, that guru, that class, that course, that whatever it is, that thing that is finally going to shed light on our problem and help us get what we want?
And I did this. searched so hard for that person that was going to be able to find whatever it is that I couldn't figure out to help me get what I want. And I spent a lot of time, energy and money, worked with a lot of different people. And I bought into this so wholeheartedly that as I was trying to my magical six figure business, because that number was magical, it's not. Let me tell you, it doesn't change anything.
But as soon as I hit it, I just knew my whole life was going to be different. It wasn't. But the reason that I could not hit that money number
was because, and I bought into this, there was a deep -seated money belief that I must have picked up from childhood that was preventing my success. Because I was doing everything right. I was doing everything that my coaches told me to do. I was out there marketing, I was pushing, I was doing it all. And I still wasn't hitting the money that I wanted to hit. I still wasn't happy. I mean, there were happiness hits. Yes.
Overall, I would say it was my life, but I wasn't that deep seated content that, yep, this is good. It is good. I can't tell you how much of a struggle it was and how hard I dug for this random money belief
I picked up that belief system somewhere in my entrepreneurial journey that that was why I wasn't getting what I wanted. And I truly believed that if I could just find that deep -seated belief, I could flip the switch and then be able to make all the money in the world. And that's BS. Now, I think there are some overlapping systems that are in play and were in play for me. I truly do believe.
that if you want different, you have to think different. And this comes down to just how our brains work. our brains only give us certain options to think, to react, to engage based on what our beliefs are and what our experiences are. And so we do need to add to that repertoire
to create something new.
as long as we keep thinking the exact same way, thinking the exact same things, we're going to keep creating the exact same situations. We have to shift our beliefs to be able to create something different. I understand where the whole money belief thing can come about.
Because it's not until we shift what we believe that we're going to change what we create. So yes, there's some truth in this, but it wasn't a deep -seated money belief that was keeping me from what I wanted. I can 100 % say there's a lot of beliefs that I'm not even aware of. They're not conscious. There's a lot of unconscious beliefs.
that are my guidebook for playing the game of life. And it's true for you too. But it's not that I have a hidden money belief. Or, and this one always gets me, one of my clients came to me and she's like, I really truly believe that I have this unknown trauma that I don't remember and I can't figure out, but it's why I can't get what I want. Because somebody had told her along the way.
that the reason that you're not creating what you want in life is because there's unknown childhood crap that is keeping you from getting what you want. It's keeping you from creating a life that you want. And yes, our past experiences do play into how we create our present. But it's not that there's some unknown trauma.
or unknown thing that happened, something that we can't remember. And it's so easy as coaches, as therapists, as people working with humans to plant these beliefs. And it's not that people are doing them intentionally to be destructive. It's that they buy into them too. I know I did. And we create insecurities in other people that because something bad has happened that we can or can't remember.
That's why we can't have good things today. That's why things are not happening the way we want in our lives. and I know that's not true. As we go through today, just open your thoughts. See how this lands with you. See if this challenges any of your thought processes and beliefs.
Now I want to put out there
that if you do have trauma that is currently impacting you on a day -to -day basis, 100 % get the support that you need to process that experience.
If you have experienced true trauma, it does impact your thought processes. It does impact how you go through this world, how you interact and react in this world, 100%. And we need support around that. And that's not what I'm talking about. So often, trauma is thrown out there as the reason that you're not getting what you want. And that's not true.
I know incredibly successful human beings who have incredible trauma in their histories.
What I have a problem with is when trauma is overused and trauma is used as that insecurity pain point to get people to engage and do something.
And that trauma is not there. It's coming back to that client who has an unknown trauma. She doesn't remember it. She can't figure out, but it must be there. There's a seed planted that it must be there. But she doesn't have any recollection of it. It's not impacting her day -to -day life. So that's not it.
So if you have trauma, get support. It sucks, I know, I've been there.
And you can be incredibly successful and have trauma in your history. So don't let that stop you. Circling back around. One of the big things in the mindset world that gets thrown out and around, and I have used this and I no longer use it, is the term block. And this comes from... We have that conflict within ourselves, right?
We want something, we can't get it, there must be something wrong with us, we have to fix it. It's that block, it's a label. It's something that we can sort of identify as this is why we're not getting what we want. If we can figure out that deep -seated block, unlock it, we can create success.
I've talked about before, I don't like the word block because block means there's something that's preventing us from getting there. But if there's a block, it's preventing us from getting what we want. Whether it's a hidden money belief, an unknown trauma or whatever,
we're buying into there's something that's preventing us from getting what we want.
So instead of using the word block, I prefer the term line spots because it's not something that's keeping you from getting what you want. It's not preventing you. It's not something that you need to fix. It's that there's something that we haven't explored, that there's something that we can't quite see. And that's why it feels so angsty.
If you're driving down the road, and most of us have probably driven a car, you know you can drive perfectly fine and get to your destination without ever using your mirrors.
But having those side mirrors and being able to see if there's a car right next to you or not when you're debating if you're going to switch lanes makes that ride easier and safer.
Can you do it without? Yes. But sometimes having that extra information is helpful.
So the blind spot is just that. And that's what I love to help my clients with is just holding up the mirror so they can say, that's there.
And once you hold up the mirror and you're like, okay, now I see it. Then you can determine, it something that you need to take account for? Do you need to change it? Is it helping you? Is it just there? Is it something that you want to change?
There isn't a block that's keeping you from what you want. You don't need to fix anything. There may be some things that you haven't thought about. And those side mirrors, your blind spots help you see, okay, because we do need to think a little bit different to create something different. And it's just allowing you to see the way that you're thinking.
Sometimes we have things that we want in life and we feel like there's something that's keeping us from getting what we want. Those are where that block comes in. We feel it and that's the way that we've labeled it. And as long as you feel like there's a block, you can literally sense that I can't get through it. This is where the fear comes in. It's, my gosh, it's there, it's there. What do we do? What do we do? And then I've got to fix it, but I don't know how.
And I don't know what to do. And, and right? You don't need fixing. There isn't a block. It's just that you don't know what it is. And that unknown sensation is scary. And our brains are designed to fix things. This is how our brains work. It's incredible. So our brains know the difference between what is happening
right now, present tense, and what has happened in our life. we cannot go back and fix what has happened in our life. If you came up to me today and said, Landy, I'm so mad at you. You stepped on my toe yesterday. I can go, my gosh, I am so sorry. But I can't go back to yesterday and take my foot off your foot.
That's impossible. Our brains know this. But if I was standing on your foot right now and you tap me on the shoulder and go, hey, Landy, you're standing on my foot. I can take my foot off yours in that moment, right? Past tense, I can't change. Present tense, I can. Our brains are designed to find things that we can fix. Present tense.
So if we're coming up against this unknown, I'm not getting what we want. And sometimes it comes down to, it's not the timing that we're getting it in what we want. We have the assumption that it's going to happen in a certain way at a certain time. And when it doesn't, we feel frustrated. then if we bought into the belief that there's something preventing us and it's not just
we need more time or as we're going to get into today, the pain, pleasure tug of war. If it's not something in the pain, pleasure tug of war, which is why you're not getting what you want. It's nothing to do with the block or fixing. It's the pain, pleasure tug of war. our brains are trying to figure out what we can fix. And if we can say that there's a block, there's something wrong with us. And if we can find it to make it
present tense, we can fix it. This is how our brain is working. It's happening here. It's happening now. I can change it. But if it happened in the past, I can't change it. That's why we search and search and search for something that's going to help us. That person, that course, that book, whatever it is, is going to give us the answer to bring whatever that thing is that must be keeping us from getting what we want.
to right now so I can change it.
this is how our brain is designed. if we look at this as there's a block, if we look at this as you need to fix something, you're going to continually search and you're not going to find the answer. And then we feel helpless and then we feel hopeless.
And society then feeds into what our brains are naturally doing. And then it creates that toxic cycle. I need to fix, I'm gonna try this. I need to fix, I'm gonna try this. And I wanna put out there, I'm guessing if you're listening, that you're a functioning adult, that you're doing okay in life. You might not be where you wanna be. You might not be living the life that you want to live to the level that you want to live it.
But I'm guessing if you're listening, you're doing okay. And I'm doing okay, for the most part. We're doing okay together. And there are still things that you and I probably want to change in our life. I know that there's things that I want different. Maybe you want something different in your bank account. Maybe you want some different clothes in your closet. Maybe you want different hair color. Maybe you want to change the way you look in a certain way.
Maybe you want a different job. Maybe you want a different relationship. Maybe you want the same relationship, but just react in a different way.
But none of that needs fixing. You just want something different. We all outgrow things. I mean, look at kids. How many times do we have to buy shoes? I swear, I just bought shoes for my son for the beginning of the school. We've been in school for maybe a month and he put his shoes on this morning and he's like, they don't we just bought those.
It's not that there's something wrong with his foot. It's not that there's something wrong with the shoe. they're both perfectly fine. We just need something different. It no longer fits. And this is what happens with our belief systems. A lot of the things that we're working on or working with right now that don't feel good,
That feeling that there's a conflict within ourselves. It's just because that belief system, how our guidebook for life, it just no longer fits the way that we want it to fit. And there's nothing wrong. And we don't need fixing. We just want something different. And so when we can step back and say, you know what? I'm okay. There's nothing wrong with me. I'm just ready for something different. And motivation is often a tagline for why we're not getting what we want.
And we buy into that. We buy into that we're not motivated or that we're lazy. And I'm here to tell you it has nothing to do with your lack of motivation. Actually the opposite. It has nothing to do with your laziness. You're not lazy. You not getting what you want in this moment. You not getting what you want so far in life. It has nothing to do with
unknown beliefs, motivation, laziness, or anything like that.
What I figured out when I really stepped back and took a look, it's not about any of that. It's about a tug of war between our perceived pain and our perceived gain.
Our gain is what we get. What we get out of it. What's the outcome.
when I looked at it wasn't about a single money belief or a single belief system.
It was about the perceived pain of running a six figure business and what that could mean in my life. I had created stories in my head around the perceived pain.
And some of those stories included, if I finally got to that six figure business, I wouldn't have time for my kids. And family is a huge value for me. I wouldn't have time for myself. I didn't want to lose myself again. I've done that as a new mom.
I was going to be overwhelmed and overloaded and I wouldn't be able to handle it. What if I got too big? When I looked at those as the perceived pain versus the perceived gain and the gain that I had was I will hit six figures. I will have more money. I will have the bragging rate of having six figures.
But what does that mean? What does it mean in my life to have more money? What does it mean to be like, she hit six figures? The perceived pain was way stronger than the perceived gain. It wasn't about a belief system or unknown anything. It was around as I sat down and looked at it. The perceived pain around hitting a six figure business
outweighed the gain. And as long as your perceived pain equals or is greater than your perceived gain, you're not going to take action. That's motivation. You have a higher motivation to not take action so you don't have the pain than to take action. Your motivation is high. It's just in the wrong direction from what you want. So when I thought
and I had said I was self -sabotaging because I wasn't taking action, what I was really doing is just leaning into the higher motivation. Our brains will take the option that has the higher motivation,
So I want to talk about the language that I use around perceived, because I think it's such a big deal.
the pain or the gain is actually in the action. The perceived pain is just a story that we're creating around the potential of pain.
or the story we create around the potential game. It's not actually happening. It has not actually happened. Our brain doesn't quite know what to do with it. It's information that it's trying to process. So we create a story around it so we can figure it out and see if we want to do it or not. So it's like, if you're going to go to the dentist. yuck.
I'm sorry if you're a dentist, I do love my daughter and son's dentist. And I have worked with great dentists in my life, but you know, there's a certain sensation that comes up when you think about going to the dentist and you make the appointments and you start to get anxious. my gosh, I hate it. It's going to hurt. I hate it. It's going to hurt. These are my stories. These do not have to be your stories. Your stories can be wonderful.
Remember our stories are based on our own experiences and belief patterns. So obviously I don't have great experiences and belief patterns around the dentist. But you know, I hope you do. So you walk up, this is the day of the appointment and you're like, I don't want to go. You walk up the sidewalk and you're like, it's gonna be awful. It's gonna hurt. I hate it. Right? that's all per seat.
It hasn't actually hurt yet. And so you're telling yourself over and over in your head, it's gonna hurt, it's gonna hurt, it's gonna hurt. it's just a story. It's just a story that you're telling yourself over and over. It doesn't actually hurt. It doesn't actually hurt until you have the needle that goes into your gums. That's the pain.
The perceived pain happens days or weeks or months before because of the story. It's gonna hurt. On the other side of the coin is the perceived gain. This is like the pleasure side. It's like if you're in Disneyland and you're in line for your favorite ride and you start bouncing, you're like, I'm so excited, it's gonna be so much fun. my gosh.
You are excited. It's gonna be fun. That's the perceived pleasure, the perceived gain. It's not actually fun to stand in line.
The pleasure doesn't start until you get on the ride. Just like the pain didn't start until you were sitting in the chair with the needle going in. It's the perception. It's the perceived stories that we're creating around it. And those are scarier than anything that actually really happens.
So the pleasure begins with the action. The pain begins with the action. The ride isn't fun until you're on it and it goes. All of it's a story. It's in our head. But the perception that it's gonna hurt or it's going to be fun determines your actions. I wanna say that again. The perception that it's going to hurt or it's going to be fun determines your actions.
and there's a scale, or if you can imagine a rope that you're doing the tug of war with.
As long as the perceived pain is equal to or greater than the perceived gain, you're not going to take action. We love action. Action feels good. It's in the action that the magic happens. But as long as that perceived pain is bigger than that perceived gain, you're not going to take action. The motivation is higher to not do it.
You need to tip the scales to get what you want.
And a lot of time that perceived pain is very valid. Those stories are valid. They're stories based on your experiences or your beliefs. But we're just looking to tip the scale so that you can create what you want.
we're looking at the inner conflict. It's that inner conflict that gives us that stuck feeling. It's the tug of war. That stuck feeling is something we can't label. So we blame it on the block and we look how to fix it. And we say there's something wrong with us because other people are doing it. Right. So if they could do it, why can't I? Probably because they don't have the same stories that are creating the same inner conflict. It's that.
inner conflict that makes us feel the struggle or makes us feel like we can't take action. Because it's a lot easier to play on your phone or scroll through Insta, rewrite your website or do the dishes or clean the house than to take an uncomfortable action that may get you something that you want.
but you have to go through the pain first.
It's the action that makes you feel good. Have you ever noticed that if you sit there and you scroll on your phone, you don't actually feel good afterwards? Like in your body. But when you get up and you take a walk or you paint a wall or you do the dishes, you actually feel better? It's because the action makes you feel better. But you have to tip the scale to take that action for the gain that you want.
is that inner conflict that's really the struggle. It's not something wrong with you. It's a tug of war and it feels yucky and it has nothing to do with a belief and it has nothing to do with your motivation or you being lazy.
It has everything to do with.
that tug of war, that perception of pain versus gain.
and those stories that we're telling ourselves around that perception of pain or gain, they're not good or bad. They're just stories based on your experiences and your belief systems. And just because you want something different, but you haven't created it yet doesn't mean that you need fixing or there's something preventing you from doing it.
It just means the perceived pain stories are winning. It's like back to the shoes for my son. He needs a new pair of shoes. as we open up to think a little different, because remember we have to think different to create different, it's like going to the store and looking for shoes. Yes, I could buy him the exact same pair of shoes in a different size.
still it would be different. But it's just in a new size. Or we can go to the store and we can look and see what kind of shoes are out there. We can get curious. We can explore. And that's the magic within your brain is it's when you get curious about your thought systems. It's not labeling and saying good or bad. It's just, huh, I'm curious about that.
I think another big hiccup in trying to get what we want is that we need to create the things that we want that are aligned with our values. And this is part of that tug of war. That perceived pain and gain are aligned with our unconscious values and they're unconscious meaning
we don't know they're there. We have the conscious things, but unless we get really curious, just like going to the shoe store and saying, huh, what's here? We won't actually tap into that. It's the blind spots in the mirrors. They're guiding the car, but we don't see them unless we look in the mirror. But we have to consciously look. We have to consciously go to the store and say, huh, I'm curious about what's there.
our values are so personalized.
they are our guidelines. I love helping my clients find their values because it's one of the biggest aha moments my gosh, no wonder I'm choosing the things I'm choosing because this is my value. One of my biggest values is freedom and autonomy. I don't like being told what to do. I don't like having parameters set.
I've been working as an entrepreneur for a lot of years because I really liked that freedom. Even when I had jobs, I gravitated towards the jobs that gave me autonomy and freedom. And so when I was looking at that pain tug of war, right? one of the big
perceived pain stories was that running a six figure business was going to take away my freedom.
It was going to take away my choices. It was going to put me in like a box. I didn't want to grow something that was going to take those away. I didn't want to grow something that would make me work more than I wanted to work. I didn't want to grow something that was going to conflict.
with my other values of family. And so when I really looked at that pain pleasure tug of war, I had set up my business in a way that I only worked school hours a couple of days a week. if I grew to that six figure business, but I still keep that.
Or was I going to have to start working after school? Was my phone going to be ringing off the hook or like vox or messages coming in at all hours? And I didn't want that. And the business models that I had seen didn't show a different option. And there is, there totally is.
It's the fact that that perceived pain came down to some of my values. I also looked at one of my biggest values as my family and spending that time with my family. I want to be there. And if it meant growing to that magical six figure number meant that I would lose that time. It was too, we have a loss.
So it had nothing to do with a belief system. came down to the perceived pain and the gain or lack thereof and my internal values that were guiding. And as long as I ignored those values, I couldn't create anything that worked with them. And that's the key. It's creating a system that works with.
your values.
And so when I could then look at how can I create a six figure business that leveled out and made the pain less than the gain, right? So I started creating things that would take down that pain or perceived pain. I got really clear on what the gain would get me because right now more money was not a great motivator.
could very clearly see everything that it was going to take away. But more money was this elusive thing that seemed nice. It really did. But it didn't give me a concrete, yes, this is what I want.
I was looking at what could I do to tip the scales? How could I put parameters around my business that made sure that it didn't encroach on my values, that I grew up with my values, and that the perceived pain was lower than the perceived gain?
that's when I hit my six figures is when I tipped the scales. Because no matter how hard I worked and I made a lot of work.
Because as Zung as I made a lot of work, I could say I'm trying and I'm doing it, but I didn't have to deal with the consequences.
all about tipping scales. You just need to figure out what the pain pleasure scale is for you. And we'll do that in the next episode. And that's such a key. You're not self -sabotaging. Your motivation for the pain, that perceived pain, is higher than the motivation for the perceived pleasure or gain. That's it. And so of course you're going to take actions or not take actions.
that are going to align with the higher motivator. That's how our brains are designed.
We pick the choices that are the highest in potency. That's how our brain chooses. Whatever is the highest in potency. So we're going to take action towards the highest motivator. You're motivated in both. You're not lazy. It's not that you're not motivated. You just have a higher motivation.
taking you in the opposite direction of where you want to go. But it's keeping you safe and within your values. It's when you have that even tug that you start to feel like you're really stuck.
It's that even tug where the pain and gain are equivalent that you don't know where to go next, that you don't know how to take the next step because it's pulling you in both ways. imagine kids playing tug of war with a rope and there's a little flag right over the center line, they're holding it steady on both sides. It's not moving. That's the block. That's the stuck feeling.
and you just have to the scales.
It's when you tip the scales. When perceived gain is more motivating than the fear, that's when things happen. That's when you're able to take action. And it's really getting curious about what your pain gain dynamic is. What's going to be the biggest thing for you? You can stop right now digging for trauma and beliefs or whatever you think that thing is.
that is hiding in the closet that is keeping you from getting what you want in life. And just start to get curious about what that perceived pain and perceived gain tug of war is. And you're going to start to see some really interesting dynamics come up.
What do you do about the perceived pain? Well, for starters, like figure it out. What is it?
because you have to be able to identify it to be able to decrease it. And so one of the things that you may have seen before, and I saw a really great example, is when my daughter was at the dentist. And they were doing a sealant, and they gave a timetable. Maybe you have experienced this before, where somebody has counted down an unpleasant situation for you. Hey, this is going to take 30 seconds. We're going to do this for the count of 10.
We're decreasing the perceived pain by creating boundaries. And you've probably seen that or experienced that.
You've probably even seen, and I know both our pediatrician and our dentist have a treasure box. We're increasing the perceived gain. Our pediatrician is phenomenal at whatever we do. As soon as it's done, say we got a shot, as soon as it's done, hey, go get the treasure box. She has it sitting in line of sight.
we can do something for a count of 10, like hold the little blue light on your tooth for 10 seconds. We're going to count down. This is mitigating the pain. And at the same time, we're going to talk about what you're going to get in the treasure box, perceived gain. We're increasing the pleasure. Are you going to get the slinky? Are you going to get the Play -Doh? Whatever it is.
how we're making a shift. We do it all the time in our lives. We just haven't thought about it for some of those big sticky stuck issues.
It's really just the juggle. a lot of times we're going back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And we don't actually make the choice until we take the action. I used to love, love, love to run every morning. I usually ran about six miles a day with my two dogs. I would get up rain or shine. I no longer run six miles a day in the morning and have kids get ready.
I lived in the Northwest, Montana, Idaho, and Washington, and it was really cold in the winter and dark. And in the winter, I would get up in the dark, in the cold, and go for my run. I really dislike the cold, like really dislike it, but I would run. And so every morning,
I had this internal conflict that would be a debate of whether I would go run. So the alarm would go off and my conflict would start.
And it happened throughout me entire experience until I actually took action. So alarm goes off. It's five in the morning. It's dark. It's cold. I don't want to go. I hit snooze. Snooze goes off. I tell myself to get up. Now my dogs, they love to run. And so they were going crazy at this time. As soon as they hear that alarm go off, they're like, we're to go, we're going to go, we're going to go. And so the dogs start kneeling around the bed. Come on.
Come on, come on. So I'm like, fine, I get up. And I stumble to the living room and...
I sit in my chair and I lined out my clothes the night before because I knew that this was going to be a tug of war every single morning, every single morning, all winter long. So I got my clothes. I'm like, I don't want to go. And I might sit in the chair a little bit longer. Pain gain, right? I don't want to go. I'm comfy here. And I put on my shoes. It's cold. It's dark. I don't want to go.
And the dogs are like, let's go, let's go. And I have to wear a headlamp and I have to find all my warm stuff. It's cold. It's dark. Pain's pretty high right now. That perceived pain is speaking to me. But here's the game. Remember, we have to tip the scales. I like the feeling of running. I like it when I run. It's fun for me. I like how I feel afterwards.
I love that feeling of coming back and you've done something early before the rest of the world has started. I've accomplished it. It starts my day off better. And I have two dogs that really enjoy being my running buddies. They love to run. They're used to the runs. They're a big motivator because they want to run too.
And I also know they're calmer dogs when we go for a run. Their energy level is better. Motivators. Those are my gains. So each morning I sat there going through pain, gain, pain, gain. It's really cold. It's really dark. I feel so much better when I go. Crazy dogs.
It'll feel better. I like it. Dogs want to go. So usually the pleasure won out that pain gain tug of war gain one. But sometimes I'd step out or I'd look out and it's snowing or it's raining. And I'm like, no, no, not going. The perceived pain won out. So it's not
until I started running, till I actually took the action of running, did I fully make that choice? Sometimes we have those internal tug -of -wars the entire time until you take the action, should I, shouldn't I, should I, shouldn't I. We sit there at the computer ready to submit that application or send that email, should I, shouldn't I, should I, shouldn't I, and we're in that constant conflict.
sometimes that little tug of war, it's just enough. So we're not moving.
It's a solid line that flags not going to one side or the other.
Sometimes it's not yes, no, yes, no. That's like one foot in front of the other and you're slowly moving. You're getting there.
And that's what we're talking about with motivation. We have motivation. We have lots of it. It's not a lack of motivation. It's sometimes that the perceived pain motivation wins. And sometimes the perceived gain of motivation wins. And that's where it's taking you. So when you're looking at what can I do, what can you do to decrease the perceived pain? What can you do to increase the perceived gain?
things like time limits, setting a timer, counting down, I'll only run for five minutes. We see that in exercise a lot, right? Just go out, try it for five minutes. After five minutes, you're like, I don't want to, then stop. but once you go, you often keep going.
What can you do to have that perceived pleasure? I really love to take my business paperwork that I don't love to do and go to a coffee shop. I increase my pleasure because going and sitting in a coffee shop by myself is not something I do often, but I do have my little dates when I get to go out and do my paperwork and I get my latte and there's a sweet little coffee shop and I listen to the music.
and I've increased my pleasure to get me to do the task that I don't want to do.
It's that balancing act. As long as the pleasure is greater than the pain, you're going to get what you want. You're going to take action to do it. And sometimes when we get what we want, we find out that that pleasure isn't as great as we thought. And that's when we sometimes get things and do things. And then we're like, nah, and we stop doing them. Because we, again, tip the scale.
That perceived pleasure wasn't as good as I thought it was. So the perceived pain tips up a little bit. And that can decrease our motivation for continuing down that gain road that we thought we wanted. I did this when I hit the six figure business and I realized that it wasn't what I wanted. That perceived gain of having the elusive six figures and the more money.
I realized wasn't worth the time that I was spending. wasn't filling my day with the things I loved to do. I was filling it with a lot of marketing tasks, which worked and got me the business that I wanted. But I then paused and had to reevaluate. Do I still want to continue down this road or do I want to make some changes? And so that's where I am right now, making changes as I play with that perceived gain, perceived pain tug of war.
figuring out what I want.
we can do this with a lot of different things in our lives. next week, I'm going to walk you through this in a workshop and you can jump ahead. Cause I did release it early. You can jump ahead to my website, landypeak .com and start it right now because it doesn't matter what that thing is in your life that you want, that you're feeling stuck, that you just can't get yourself to do it.
It's all about the perceived pain, perceived gain. And I'm going to walk you through it. And I have a really simple, easy to use workbook that you can walk through as you listen to help you figure out your perceived pain, your perceived gain, and how to shift it. Because sometimes we just need to tip it.
next time that you hear messaging that something's wrong with you, that you need fixing, get curious. What are your beliefs about that? Do you really think you need fixing? Do you really think that there's something wrong? Or is it that you just want something different? It's that you've outgrown what you currently have.
And wanting something different is part of being human. We don't want to be stagnant. We're designed to having something new and different. That's a motivator.
And when we can re -shift and re -frame that you're okay, you're probably more than okay. And, and there are things in your life that you want to change, that you want different. It doesn't need fixing.
It's just you want something different. That different job, that different feel in my body, the different clothes, different relationship, different reactions, all of that's different. It's just different. And we don't have to change to change. Sometimes we buy into this too.
if you find out that, it might be something that's no longer quite fitting, but it's still OK. You can choose to hold on. You can choose to change at any time. Rest assured, you have plenty of motivation. It's just where it's headed. How it's tipping the scales.
So I hope you do join me in our next episode as I walk you through the get unstuck to get what you want workshop and head on over to my website, landypeak .com, grab your copy of the workbook and you can start the workshop right now. Especially if you're feeling stuck, if you're feeling that there is that tug of war, If there's something that you want and you just haven't figured out how to get it yet.
And I want to share with you that I am proud of you for taking time to do something that's good for you Because I know you live a busy life. I know that you're fitting this in around a million other to do's.
And I want you to hear because I think it's important for you to hear. You're an incredible human being. And I am so lucky to have you in my life. You are smart and fun and creative. you bring a lot to this world. And I love you. And I like you. And I wish you all the happiness. And we'll see you on the next podcast.
Landy Peek (55:36)
Hey, before you go, just a little bit of legal. This podcast is designed for educational purposes only. It is not to replace any expert advice from your doctors, therapists, coaches, or any other professional that you would work with. It's just a chat with a friend, me, where we get curious about ideas, thoughts, and things that are going on in our lives. And as we're talking about friends, if you know someone who would benefit from the conversation today, please share.
Because I think the more that we open up these conversations, the more benefit we all get. So until next time, give yourself a big hug from me and stay curious because that's the fun in this world.
