Landy Peek (00:01)
Why hello there friends, this is Landy Peek, your friend and host for the... Hello there friends, this is Landy Peek and I am thrilled to have you back with me today on the Landy Peek Podcast. So November is my birthday month and I turned 44 and I just found out that 44 is the lowest
point of happiness in our lives. Happy birthday to me. I got really, really low one day right after my birthday. And I sat in my funk questioning my career again, questioning what the hell I was doing in my life, fantasizing about running away. The only problem is I wanted to run away with my husband.
And that left the kids defending for themselves, so it's not a realistic option. And I even applied to a couple of jobs. Because why not? Maybe that would change how I was feeling.
And this isn't just a one-time thing, right? This is something that I have shared that I have been in this funk, in this slump for a little while now. And I always chalked it up to life's circumstances. There were a lot of stressors. There was this, there was that. And what I really found out, it has nothing to do with my circumstances, but it has
everything to do with my age. So I hit a late night Google search and I typed in uninspired in your 40s and I stumbled upon something truly fascinating and I can't wait to share it with you. So buckle up as we dive in to the U-shape curve of our happiness.
Because if you are like me and you have found that you're hitting your 40s and you're just not feeling it anymore, there's like a lack of passion, of drive. Like the only times in my life that I'm actually happy are when I'm watching TV at night or having sex. Like the rest of the time I'm kind of blase and I don't want...
live the rest of my life in this space where I'm excited to turn on the TV after the kids go to bed. And that's my happiness. And so I was fixing it with these happiness hits, trying and striving for these things that would make me feel good, make me feel alive again, make me feel like I actually wanted something.
And what I found in my late night Google search may apply to you too. So there was a collaboration between researchers from the University of Warwick and Dartmouth College, and they've been exploring happiness and satisfaction over the last 30 years. And their study has included 80 different countries.
and over two million people. Their paper was called, Is Well-being U-Shaped Over the Life Cycle? And the University of Warwick economist and the University of Warwick economist, Professor Andrew Oswald said in his study, some people suffer more than others, but our data
Some people suffer more than others, but in our data, the average effect is large. It happens to men and women, to single people and married people, to rich people and poor people, and to those with and without children. Nobody knows why we see this consistency. It's an age thing, right?
That's all I'm getting. It's gotta be an age thing. So as I dug deeper, because I'm like, okay, this isn't just a me thing, because I also see it with my husband in this like blaze of life. So he said what apparently causes the U-shaped curve, and I'm paraphrasing his words.
and its similar shape in different parts of the developed and even END.
So, he said what causes this apparently U-shaped curve and its similar shape in different parts of the developed and even often developing world is unknown.
However, one possibility is that individuals learn to adapt to their strengths and weaknesses and in midlife quell their infeasible aspirations. Another possibility is that cheerful people live systematically longer. A third possibility is a kind of comparison process, is that work in which people have seen similar aged peers die and value more their own remaining years. Perhaps people somehow learn to count their blessings.
Let's cut that.
So it looks from the data. So Oswald said, it looks from the data like something happens deep inside humans. For the average person in the modern world, the dip in mental health and happiness comes slowly, not suddenly in a single year. This is definitely what I felt. Only in their 50s do most people emerge from the low. But encouragingly, but encouragingly,
But encouragingly, by the time you are 70, if you are still physically fit, then on average you are as happy and mentally healthy as a 20 year old. Perhaps realizing that such feelings are completely normal in midlife might even help individuals survive this phase better. So this is what I'm here to do today. I want you to hear this, that this midlife
feeling of blasé, a feeling that slump is normal. They're finding it in research across the world that this age group is hitting this like huge shift. And it is eye opening as I searched and I found different headlines like middle age, welcome to the misery club and depression peaks at age 44.
This is a thing. And honestly, I had no idea it was a thing. I mean, the biggest aha that I'm like, my gosh, there's gotta be other people than me.
my first inkling that I wasn't a note.
My very first inkling that it wasn't just me was that my friend Jen and I were complaining about the same exact thing. That it was almost word for word.
And then I started talking and I started talking and I started asking and I started opening up about my journey with my friends, with clients of similar age. Hey, I'm just curious.
and it started really making sense that it wasn't just a me thing. And I was chalking it up to a perimenopause thing.
But it wasn't just women. And so the research that I found was just fascinating as it is putting the puzzle pieces together of the things that I'm experiencing, my friends are experiencing, my husband's experiencing in this stage of life. So there was one quote that really stood out to me and it was from Barbara Miller at ABC News in Australia. And she pointed out that while we often say,
Life starts at 40? This study suggests that 44 is actually the year when things can get bit gloomy.
But don't worry too much. Joy is reportedly waiting for you in your 50s.
Cut that.
So this U shaped curve that they found in the research is showing that you actually hit your low at 44, which I guess is a good thing because I just turned 44 and then it's all uphill. So the way that I can reframe it is I've literally hit the bottom. This is it. This is the lowest I can go. And it's all an uphill journey from here.
What's even more interesting is that this happiness dip
while- okay.
So here's a...
So it's so interesting that we never talk about this low, right? And as a woman, I was definitely saying it's perimenopause. I was talking to friends about, my gosh, it's perimenopause.
So hold on, cut that.
So while researchers aren't sure why there is this dip, they're really linking it to more internal changes than the external events happening in our life. But how many of us are in our 40s and we're facing so much stress and we're balancing us, a career, partners, kids, aging parents, and it just feels like a lot.
And so we might begin to measure our lives against others and like me, start reevaluating our dreams. And the study, it really ignites thoughts about resilience, which I love. It's a topic I'm so incredibly passionate about. It's all about taking charge, focusing on what we can change and not depending on others for our happiness.
And isn't it empowering to think that we could be the architects or art? Isn't it empowering to think that we could be the architects or the authors of our own joy? So I guess for me, one of the biggest takeaways is that it serves as a gentle reminder that we get to take charge of our happiness. We get to embrace our resilience and we get to shape our mindsets.
But sometimes, sometimes when we're feeling those dips, time is the only thing that really, but, but sometimes, sometimes when we're feeling those dips, when we're feeling those lows, time, time is one of the biggest factors in why. And so while we can subtly shift and shape how we see it, because our perspective is
often more in our control than we realize. It's really giving ourselves grace and understanding what we're going through. I mean, as we are hitting preteen and we are kind of preparing for puberty for my daughter, we're already having those conversations. We're already saying, OK, there's going to be for the entire family to be aware, the emotional shifts, the physical shifts.
everything that's going on mentally, physically, emotionally in that teenage body. But nobody is saying, OK, Landy, you're getting into your 40s. So we need to start talking about the physical shifts, the emotional shifts, the mental shifts, the identity shifts that go on in both. Right. So I love this quote from George Bernard Shaw. People are always blaming their circumstances.
for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the ones who get up and look for the circumstances they want. And if they can't find them, they make them. So that is what I am doing. And as I'm reflecting on my own journey into my early 40s, I remember feeling like I was living someone else's life. Have you ever been there?
where it's that moment when you feel like you have all the pieces. And this is so.
So as I have reflected over the last year, because this has been my real like eye-opening year, as I have journeyed into my 40s, and I remember last year really feeling like I was living someone else's life. Have you ever been there? It's that, okay, I wanna cut this. So cut the quote.
So as I have reflected over the last year especially and the journey into my 40s, I remember last year feeling like I was living someone else's life. I've never been there. It's that moment when you have all the pieces you thought you wanted, but they just don't quite make you feel like they thought you'd make you. But they just don't quite feel like you thought they would make you feel.
I mean, good health, a successful career, awesome friends, an amazing relationship with my partner. And I still felt like something was missing. It was as if I was standing in a party where everyone is having a great time and I'm there sipping my drink wondering why I just wasn't feeling it. And I just wasn't feeling it day after day. And it turns out...
There's a reason for this emotional roller coaster that often goes unspoken. Knowing now that research indicates that our happiness isn't a straightforward path. I thought this would be how I would live life. I thought 40s would be easy, but it actually follows that U-shaped curve. I wish somebody had given me that like, aha, here we go. Like there's a book that I can buy around turning 40.
Like you can buy books on menopause or what happens when you're pregnant. Right? I wish that I had been able to give my younger self a heads up. Like, hello, this is gonna suck. When I was 42, I felt that creeping dissatisfaction and I kept convincing myself, this is just a phase. This will pass. This is because
We just move. This is because there's stress in our life. This is because this had another. And then I started having those body changes. And every time I'd be like, okay, I'm getting migraines again. And it feels like the Sahara down there. So I went to my provider and I'm like, it's perimenopause. There is an answer.
And as I stepped into, there is an answer.
and I started hormone replacement therapy and I gotta tell ya, a little bit of progesterone and testosterone did change my life. But that unease continued. And at 43, while I felt better physically, I still was feeling that downhill slide. And I had adopted this kinda I don't give a fuck attitude. I mean, I no longer felt that drive
like I did even a year ago, and I wanted something more, but I really had no motivation, no drive to do anything about it. In my head, I could say, yeah, I want to push. And in reality, I sat on the couch and I read a book.
By the time I had reached 44, I really had this nagging feeling that I was missing. By the time I hit 44, I had this nagging feeling that I had missed something important. It was if that dissatisfaction has moved in permanently. I was stuck. I felt stuck. I said I was stuck and I kept saying, I'm stuck.
And I spent so much time finding reasons why things couldn't work that I never ever gave space for things to work.
And it wasn't until I really started digging, until I started looking and shifting my perspective, that I started having some ah-hahs. This midlife slump isn't just a human experience. Even chimps and orangutans go through it. It's like we hit our 40s and our emotions have to go through a reboot. And the cool thing is it's shifting our focus from chasing achievements
to cherishing connections and community. To looking at things more like my legacy versus my accolades. And yes, we can still do both. But it's good to know that I am having that internal shift. I am going through unpuberty as my daughter calls it. It's really looking at there, it is like adolescence.
but in reverse, right? It's without the awkwardness and the, it's without all the awkwardness, although it does still feel awkward at times. But it's so interesting how as I kind of parallel in a way my daughter's experiences, that society recognizes puberty. We see adolescence as a turbulent time. We all joke about it and prepare for it.
We provide supports. But there isn't that support for us in our 40s. Our 40s have that label of midlife crisis. It's envisioning this sudden upheaval. It's looking at, let's go buy a red sports car. But that's not my experience. I didn't feel like I was having a midlife crisis. I was feeling like I had a midlife flaw, like
I was feeling like I had a midlife funk. Like this gloom has just settled over me. My experience felt more slow, unsettling, a realization that something needed to change. I didn't have the impulsive decisions or flashy things. It was just a gradual recognition that I needed a shift.
And as a high achiever, I had fallen into that chase of fleeting it. As a high achiever, I had fallen into the chase of the fleeting happiness trap. Chasing success in the belief that it would fill the void. It didn't. In fact, it made things worse. And I've shared, I blamed my career for my unhappiness.
classic case of attribution error. So I'm looking at the characteristics. I'm grasping at straws to figure out why. It must be I've gone down the wrong road. I took the wrong fork when I was in my 30s. I should have done something different. But it's not that at all. Because I love knowing that it is a deep internal shift. It's a shift in my priorities.
It's a shift in my viewpoint. It's a shift in my body. So it is kind of like unpuberty, right? And I want a book about it. I want like, I want the clarity around it that we have around puberty, that we have around what to do when you're expecting, right? So if you're in your forties and you're feeling a bit lost,
I want you to know that you're not alone. That this is just a phase in life like puberty. And it is difficult. And it is confusing. But ultimately, it's an enlightening one. Because this is the lowest it gets. So I want you to embrace it.
And if you can, reflect on what truly matters.
and it will get better.
And if you need someone to chat with, I'm just a message away. We can both commiserate around how miserable our 40s are. So what do we do about these pesky feelings of unhappiness that can sneak up on us because they are here and while temporary, they're here to stay for a little bit. So what I have learned that when I start to feel down,
without being able to pinpoint why. So if you're starting to feel down without being able to pinpoint why.
And it's like you get caught in that loop where you feel bad, which only amplifies the negativity, which makes you feel worse. And then you feel worse, right? That's a negative feedback effect. And it's the snowballing of sadness. It's rolling down the hill, gaining momentum, ready to splat at the end. And here's the kicker. That effect can be so intense.
that it's a significant factor behind the midlife slump. Sometimes the slump perpetuates itself. It's resembling an emotional echo. It's resembling an emotional echo, right? You hear it and you hear it and you hear it. And the more that it just kind of echoes, the deeper you go. I remember feeling that something was off.
But I tried to push past it. I tried to label it as circumstance. I tried to be able to figure it out in a way that maybe I could just take something. And I wanted to keep it under wraps. I didn't want to share it at first. my gosh, I'm like really low. And while I don't truly feel depressed, I feel like there's a gray cloud. I mean, I'm total Eeyore right now.
This grey cloud that's following me all over.
I didn't really want to look at it. And even going to my provider saying, my gosh, I'm really struggling here.
And her saying, sounds like perimenopause was scary. But once I had that, this is it. I felt like I was normal. Like it wasn't something that I was going crazy, but it was something that was happening to a lot of people. And I was so grateful. And if I could rewind and do it all over again, knowing what I know now.
I really want.
I'd really recognize the slump as something typical, albeit annoying. Part of growing up, and I wouldn't have been so hard on myself. I would have allowed myself to cut some slack. I'd also know that time is magic. And instead of trying to talk myself out of the dissatisfaction,
I'd allow myself a little bit more patience and acceptance. Because for most people, this slump not only ends, but also sets the stage for a surprisingly happy resurgence. Like 50s supposed to be amazing. I have a friend who I remember, this is a couple years ago, and she hit 50 and she's like, my gosh, this is amazing.
50s are amazing! You can just tell everybody to go give a fuck!
She said, my gosh, 50s are amazing. You can just tell everybody to fuck off and you're happy with it. And I was like, okay, I would love that confidence, but I had no clue.
50s are supposed to be a shift. Research even says it will happen.
And one of the biggest things that I think has helped me is reaching out, is connecting with others. Because that shadowed, because that shattered this feeling of isolation, it decreased that feeling of shame, of, my gosh, I don't want to do anything today. I don't want to get out of bed.
And it helped me keep things in perspective because when we talk about our experiences, when we share, when we hear other people's experiences, it allows us to think, my gosh, I'm not the only one. And this is why I am launching a podcast series here on the Landy Peak podcast called Me in the Middle, where I am talking to some incredible women just like you.
about their experience in this middle life stage.
And through the exploration of midlife with research, my own journey, I have learned one crucial lesson.
We need people.
Midlife can be a time for achievements and mastery, but it's also when we can feel unexpectedly vulnerable. It definitely shouldn't be a solo journey.
I want you to remember we're all in this together. If you're in the 40s, you're in it with us. If you're edging into your 40s, brace yourself. You are now warned. If you're edging out of your 40s or beyond, please share that there is hope at the end of the tunnel.
Because I want to reflect just a minute on middle age. Because our perception of middle age, I think, is skewed. I mean, look at the movies. There's movies about young high school life. There's brimming 20-something heroes and heroines. And have you ever noticed that romance novels end when they get together and maybe get pregnant?
But there's no talk of what happens next. And then the flip side, there are plenty of books and films out there about the golden years. But what do we hear about the middle-aged years? What usually comes to mind? Divorce, health scares, classic middle-aged crisis. It's not exactly uplifting.
The reality is that middle age often carries a grim reputation and a notion backed by science. With responsibilities like our kids, work, finances, it's no wonder that these years can feel like a slog. Plus our bodies start reminding us that we're not 25 anymore. Sound familiar?
But neuroscience offers us some insight on how we can fight back.
So if you're like me and life is lost at Sparkle, Deb Nobleman, a neuroscientist shared her journey on Medium and expressed a similar feeling. She said right after her 40th birthday, the thrill she once got from work was gone. I felt this in a really big way. And she tried switching jobs.
And after reading this article, I'm like, okay, maybe applying for jobs wasn't the like best thing to do, although some new energy might be fun. And she had chased the... She tried switching jobs and chasing the elusive work-life balance, but nothing seemed to work. And it resonated deeply with us because I really switched my business.
I applied to jobs. I've chased that elusive work-life balance. I kept reaching for something, but I had no idea what it was. I love this quote from her. I'm going to say it again. I kept reaching for something, but I had no idea what it was.
And this was me.
So after time, things began to improve. A little soul searching helped her climb out of that gray hole. And she talks about her first realization, which is the importance of changing priorities, not circumstances.
When we reach middle age, the urge to shake things up can lead to drastic changes and those cliche middle life crises. But instead, maybe if we merely alter our surroundings,
But instead of merely altering our surroundings, hence painting my whole house, maybe if we dive deeper and knowing that as we age, our definition of happiness evolves. Right? We talked before about it goes from chasing the achievements to making a difference. And this one hit me to leaving a legacy. Hello, podcast. Because at one point I thought, how cool would it be?
if when my kids hit my 40s or if something ever happens to me.
Here is a wealth of advice that I would love my kids to hear and benefit from when they're my age going through the same damn things. So if we can embrace these shifts, it can help. Knowing this is a thing and not just me completely helps. It's also letting go of our old priorities and tuning
in deeper to that inner voice.
even if it means we're confronting an identity crisis. And this shift was pivotal for me.
Next, she emphasized the need to stop used to living. This was something I started to really feel. Sure, things change as we age, and that can be hard.
Our running times might not be what they were. We might feel more tired, might feel more creaky. But instead of focusing on what's lost, we can focus on what's present. We can appreciate the good stuff.
Perhaps looking at your kids are at a fascinating stage right now. Or you have more freedom to decline commitments that don't really serve you.
Deb found a new why, and I think this is such a key thing. So as we look at our 20s and our 30s, right, success was my focus, and it probably is a similar focus for a lot of you who are listening, who are feeling the same angst and shift.
But my motivation shifted drastically in my 40s, and neuroscience is backing this.
And so as we shift, aiming for a greater impact in others' lives, rather just looking at our goals, can be huge. And this change aligns with research on how our happiness evolves and resonates with theories about life stages. David Brooks speaks about this climbing the second mountain, where the focus shifts from ego building
to contributing to others. That valley between the mountains, that's the midlife yuck that we're in. Moving through it means discovering that the second mountain exists and answering its call. And I think for me, this was huge. I never realized I was dipping down into this valley and I get to climb another mountain. I needed that next thing.
Knowing that this wasn't it. This isn't the rest of my existence. This isn't me being depressed or crazy, but this is a stage and There is more and there is happiness and this is the slump Because if you're feeling stuck in the middle It's really all about redefining what matters to you Appreciating the present letting yourself read on the couch if that's what you want to do or binge watch reality TV
and be okay with it without the guilt, without the shame. It's discovering a purpose that resonates with who you are now, but also giving yourself the space that you need as we transition. We are all in this together and there is a bright path ahead. Research shows it. So I have stopped using the word stuck.
Because instead of using that term, I have stopped using the word stuck. But instead, I am using the term in transition. Because as long as I use this word stuck, I couldn't see any doors. I felt more stuck. I was spinning my wheels. I had no hope. But when I started using the word I'm in transition,
Doors started opening. I had no idea we're even there. And as our bodies change and lube is no longer just for fun, but a necessity, as we feel the gloom, try to keep a choke hold on our youth, I invite you to give yourself some grace. Remind yourself that this is the bottom of the curve and it's only gonna go up from here.
give yourself space to reevaluate what you want, and maybe just start thinking about the impact in this world that you wanna leave, and not just the status or the money. Because at this stage in life, we don't have time to be people pleasers anymore. At this stage in life, we really get to focus on us and what we want.
And no, you're not alone.
And I think today, more than ever, I really want you to hear that if you are feeling this down space in your 40s, there are things that will help. I gotta tell you, hormone replacement therapy was amazing, is amazing.
and that this is a stage in life and you're not alone. And even though it's not talked about all the time and joked about and brought to our attention and we didn't know it was coming, it is a short stage in our existence and it's only uphill from now and it's only uphill from here. Climb that second mountain.
And I want you to know, because if you're like me, that low feeling, we do need the extra boost to remind you that you are kind and you are smart and you've got this and you are fun and you are funny and you are an incredible human being. And I am so lucky to have you in my life. I do love you and I like you and I wish you
all the happiness that there is for you today. We'll talk to you on the next podcast.
