Landy Peek (00:00)
Welcome to the Landy Peak podcast. I'm your host and friend, Landy Peak, and I am thrilled to have you join me. In each episode, we will explore what makes life truly fulfilling. Happiness, deep connections, and self -discovery. Together we'll uncover that happiness is not a destination, but a way of living. Now, let's dive into today's episode.
Landy Peek (00:31)
Welcome to the Landy Peak Podcast. This is your friend and host, Landy Peak. And if you are someone who has hit a point in your life where you're kind of wondering, is this it? Maybe you're having relationship struggles. Maybe you're having energy or just blahs in life. Well, today I have a very special guest that will help you.
Discover self-love and how it is the key ingredient to all the happiness in relationships and in your life. So stay tuned and join me to talk with Kristy as we dive into self-love relationships and this middle-aged space that we're all in.
Landy Peek (01:21)
I am so excited because we have a fantastic guest joining us, Christy Holt. You know when you meet someone and they're just bursting with positive vibes and passion, that's Christy for you. She's all about helping people like you and me create that happy life, those fulfilling relationships and the kind of impact that truly lights up your soul. Christy, welcome and thank you for joining us.
Yes, thank you so much. So I'm Kristi. I also call myself the happiness Hussie. it's it's actually kind of a funny story because it kind of came about. My cousin was teasing me because I'm so positive on social media and we were having this conversation and someone else was not receiving it so well. And so I was telling my cousin about this and she kind of said, you know, you happiness Hussie, you.
And I was like, I, yes, yes I am. And I am stealing that. So thank you for that warm welcome. I am a podcast host of show called Create Your Happy. And I am an author of multiple books, some of them international bestselling books. So my most recent book that I'm hoping we will
get to talk about a little bit in today's conversation, is my book called Love Unstuck, which is all about creating healthy, happy relationships through self-love, emotional intelligence, and authentic connection. Ultimately, if I'm to introduce myself, I don't love labels. I have a lot of them, but I don't love them. What it all boils down to at the end of the day is that I am love. And I absolutely adore helping other people.
to essentially become the person that they wanna spend the rest of their life with so that they can stop spending all that time looking for that person outside of them and really just discover the true source of their happiness. And yeah, that is where my expertise lies in this recent book. And as far as the podcast goes as well, it is creating healthy, happy relationships, starting with the most important one that you have, which is the one with yourself.
which I love and that's what really drew me to you is as I watched you online, how everything is coming back to that self-love. And that is such, I think it's a huge thing for people, but it is something that so many of us struggle with. And I'd love if you can share a little bit of wisdom.
All into that self-love journey. And when we're not feeling it, when we're not able to love ourselves in those, the ugliest moments that we have around ourselves, what do we do? How can we support ourselves? That's such an important question and not too many people are asking it, which is why I'm here with this message, obviously. Now, I want to just paint a picture of who this person might be so that you know we are talking to you today.
So if you are a woman who maybe looks across the dinner table at your husband thinking like, is this it? Like, is this all there is? You know, maybe you're feeling like you're doing everything right. You're maintaining the perfect home. You've got the job. You've got the happy kids. Everything's running smoothly. And yet it feels like there's still something missing. Like you're not quite there. It's not quite enough.
And probably because we've all been conditioned since childhood to be the good girl, right? Which means we're keeping the peace. We're putting everyone else first. We're being nice. We don't say no. We're doing all of these things to attempt to get this acceptance and validation that everyone craves from people around us. And of course, that's exhausting as fuck, right? So if this is you, I know you because I have been you. And you're exhausted under the weight of this perfection chasing.
from being everyone or everything to everyone, except yourself. Exactly. And maybe you remember a time where there was butterflies and excitement and passion and you had dreams that you shared with your partner. But maybe these days, you're more like Googling, how do I know if my marriage is over at 2 AM, rather than feeling that spark and that passion. Maybe you're probably, if you are doing that, if you're like me, feeling
I'm really damn guilty about even wondering and even going down that line of questioning. Now it's not about what anyone else is doing. It's actually about what you're doing. So that's why maybe if you've tried couples therapy, hoping it would fix things, it just illuminated all of the issues and left you no better off. That's why, because hoping someone else will change as a futile effort, right? You can wait a very long time waiting for someone else to change.
And that is where I come in because I know that if you're in this place and you're feeling stuck, feeling like there's something more, but where is it? I invite you to take the call because you're not going to find that answer in couples therapy, which it can be valuable in certain circumstances. So don't, don't twist my words and take me as saying that therapy is bad or wrong, but
The key thing is building this loving relationship with yourself. And that is often the missing link. And that is why the couples therapy that has you working on dynamics together may fail if you haven't done this foundational work. So today in this conversation, I know we're going to talk about all kinds of different things. But I hope that you will receive, because I want you to receive a giant permission slip to start putting yourself first sometimes.
That's a big ask for a lot of women. know we've been conditioned to put ourselves last for so long, but I'll tell you what, it will change your life. It will change your relationships and it will change the world if more people would start just putting themselves first, not at the expense of others, but just so that you can give from overflow. Right. And I want to invite you into freedom from the perfectionism and the people pleasing and always having to say yes. Right. I want to invite you into a world where you get to show up.
and just be you and be accepted and loved and appreciated and highly valued simply for the existence that you are, the incredible human being that is more than good enough and so worthy of all of the things that you dream about. And so that is leading me to sort of one of the key points in my book. It's not really a relationship problem that you have. It's actually an identity problem, right? It's about getting to know who you are.
building that relationship, being the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with, right? Not seeking to find them in someone else, but actually just being that within yourself. And that is what will transform your relationships, basically from the inside out. It is. It's absolutely true. I've done that same work within myself. And when we're having relationship struggles, it's really looking within.
It's being able to love your own self. It's being able to let go and say, they're not gonna change. I can't- Yes, it is. There is this huge sense of freedom in that self love. And it's hard sometimes as you're stepping into it. I know it was for me, especially as a mom saying, okay, I've gotta put my needs first. And it's not neglecting our kiddo's needs, but it's-
Yeah, I don't have to give and give and give until I'm empty. I get to set boundaries and I get to say, okay, I'm going to take this time for me and I love you and it's okay that we're apart and you're gonna, you know, survive whatever drastic things that, you know, my kiddos will come, my gosh, I need mom for this. I mean, my kiddos were definitely the kids that, you know, I'd be in the shower and they'd walk right by their dad to bring whatever snack they needed opened.
to me and it's like in In the shower. Yeah. I'm like, you're not busy or anything. It's not. But I have created a system in my own house, in my own life where I am not sharing that responsibility. I have taught my kids to bring it to me because I didn't ever put myself first. I put everyone else first. Yeah. And when things got stressed, then I'm the first one to go.
you know, whatever my needs are first to go in the back seat and everybody else's needs are first. So what do you share with your, your clients in your book around finding that self love because it is hard when we've been pre-programmed to put ourselves last and we really don't know how. Yeah, it's, it's tough because all of that conditioning has led us to believe that it is not only
something that we should do, but it's our obligation, our fucking duty as a mother to give absolutely everything. And the problem is, and this is something, let me take you back into my second marriage where I was suffering from what I call justomalmitis, which meant I was giving everything for my kids. And I was coming up last across all categories.
And when I was in that time, I'll tell you what, I was resentful. I was frustrated. I was disappointed. I was bitter. Literally. felt like nothing I could do was ever going to be enough. And also somehow simultaneously, like I was too much merely for existing. So talk about a conundrum. Like how the fuck do I find my way out of this? And I had this sort of like.
Holy shit moment or maybe it was a spiritual awakening or just like this new like burst of awareness. It was like, I'm the common denominator in every one of my problems. And so just like you realize like, I have set this up this way. Don't love that for me.
it can be a slippery slope into the guilt and shame. And so we have to be careful in, yes, taking awareness and taking responsibility, like to call it taking radical responsibility for our contribution, that we don't also take on responsibility for anyone else's part and that we also give ourselves grace because we're all humans. We're all doing the best that we can at any given point in time with the resources and understanding we have. And it's so common.
that later will be like, my God, I see this totally differently. I can't believe what an idiot I've been and I guilt and shame myself. I didn't know then what I know now. So what is the point of guilting and shaming myself, right? So when we can start to break down these illusions and realize and recognize them for what they are, which are illusions, they're just stories, they're misperceptions, they're misunderstandings that have led you away from who you truly are.
So you're confused about your identity. And of course, if you're confused, then things around you can be confusing. So it's not actually the relationship problem. It's the identity piece. It's that you're confused that you're, you you think you're broken. There's something wrong with you. There's something not good enough. Something needs to be fixed. You need to become someone else. And all of that is bullshit because you're already whole. Literally you have everything that you need. Yes. I want to really emphasize that.
You are already whole. You already have everything that you need because I don't see, especially my clients, myself, that we've always seen that we're whole. There is that piece that maybe we're broken, maybe we're not, maybe we're too much or maybe we're too little. But there is this sense, especially I think as women that we've picked up that we are not whole. And a lot of times, mean, go into all the Disney princesses, we are looking for that Prince Charming to
complete us and how do we hear about, mean, so much about love. We're finding that soulmate to complete us. And we've bought into this bullshit around that that makes us not whole. And that means somebody else has to be there to complete us. And if we're constantly looking for that, and if we're constantly looking and are expecting our partners to be that completion, that is an unrealistic expectation.
For our partners and for us. Yes, exactly. And so we've already stepped into this dynamic of a relationship that just is set up to fail. Yeah. And it's because of all of this conditioning and there's so much conditioning behind it. Like, you know, the women are supposed to, my gosh, there are so many rules. Honestly, I don't even know which ones were supposed to follow because they don't even, they contradict each other, right? You're supposed to be, you know, bold, but not that bold, not that way. Cause now you're bossy bitch, right? You're supposed to be.
demure, but also not too wishy washy because nobody wants a doormat. And also, you know, you're supposed to be really good and passionate in the bedroom, but also like don't let any cleavage show or else that makes you SLUT. Like it's just such mind blowing nonsense that we have to endure out there that ultimately this return to wholeness because you were never not whole.
You've just bought the illusion that there's something broken that you need fixing. There's something missing that you need someone to complete you or that circumstances around you are what are making you experience life this way. You start to see through all that bullshit. You start to realize, wait a minute, there's a better way. There's a way where I can experience happiness and peace, which are in fact our intended states of being. This is your natural state is to be happy, to be at peace, to feel loved, to feel accepted.
to experience passion and to do the things that light you the fuck up. That's where you're supposed to live, right? This is in your authentic zone being you like no one else can be because there is only one of you. And yet we spend so much time worrying about what other people think or what might they say or like, maybe I might mess up and I might look stupid or whatever the things that are weighing in our mind are like, my gosh, like me and my second marriage, like.
I don't know if I can get divorced again because now I'm going to be like, no one is the person who was divorced twice. Like, my gosh, I'm headed towards Elizabeth Taylorville here and I don't love that. And we sometimes just have to put away all the bullshit and look at what's really there. You are a whole ass human. are perfectly imperfect, which means you're not perfect by society standards because spoiler alert, no one is. No one is.
Not a single human being has achieved that. And so what you've been striving for has been an illusion. So when you set that illusion aside and strive for instead being wholly yourself, fully expressed, unapologetically, not worrying, and I don't mean this in like, I don't give a fuck what anybody says, like, but kind of, but not in a rude way, still in a kind and loving way, like the expert on me is me, not you.
And so even in my book, as I suggest ways of getting unstuck, getting out of your safe and familiar comfort zone that's usually kind of, nobody really wants to be there answering this call to step outside, to be something more, to express yourself more fully. This invitation is for you to step into the version of you, the life that you wanna create, the love that you want to experience.
And the legacy that you want to leave behind, this is your opportunity. You just need to set aside, know, kind of just forget some of those illusions that have been distracting us so that we can return to this place of wholeness, this intended state of being where we feel honestly really good almost all of the time. And from this place, then yes, life is going to life. Okay. Humans are going to human. We've seen it.
We are witnessing it on a regular basis. And I don't know about anybody else, but I love me some reality TV because I find humans fascinating. People are going to people, but you don't have to play into the drama of other people. You can learn how to live in your, your space of wholeness and grace and love and acceptance where you get to just observe people, peopling, and not make it mean anything about you.
not feel badly about yourself, not be trapped in some comparisonitis or chasing perfectionism or chasing, you know, other illusions of having it all together. You just get to exist. It's like really a choose your own adventure, this human experience. And you know, if you're going to choose your own adventure, why not choose one that you really like? And I love to choose your own adventure idea because, you know, at least when I was little,
and I was going through the Choose Your Own Adventures, you read ahead to the page and you're like, I don't want it to go there. And you can change your mind. So we can go down paths and say, this isn't for me, and redirect and change our minds. And I think that is huge. And I'm- okay. It's actually better than okay. It's actually the way to succeed. And so many people will go, this isn't for me, but now I have to hide and shame because I've messed up. No, you just now have more information. So-
try it again from a new perspective, right? Just try something a little bit different. I love that. I love how you said it's like an identity crisis and you didn't use crisis, but it is an identity problem because a lot of us, I'm going pick out two of the things that you said that just highlight my brain. It's identity and it is letting go of all of this stuff.
that you've picked up that no longer serves you. Because they think a huge part of our journey is really not necessarily learning more. No, it's not. Letting go of all this stuff that we have picked up along the way from society, from parents, from wherever it's come from. And it's really saying this no longer serves me. Yeah, it's unlearning. It's releasing. It's letting go. And it's about stepping into your sovereignty and all that you actually are, like I said.
already a whole glorious, magnificent person, there's nothing missing. There's nothing missing. It's just now taking all the layers of bullshit and letting them go so that you can really shine. Yeah, exactly. So when you're talking about identity, can you talk a little about how we are rediscovering our identity?
I mean, most of us have spent a lot of time looking outward. We have not spent a lot of time looking inward. so ultimately for most of us, this just means probably some uncomfortable time. was for me, I spent a lot of time running away, literally took up the sport of running to run away from my marriage and ultimately away from myself until I realized like, Holy shit, like I can't run away.
from the one person I have been most trying to run away from, and that was me. And when I realized there was, couldn't, I couldn't get away from her. The bitch was always on my tail, you know? How hard you try. There she is. There she is every single time. And so when I really got that, because we can, we can get things on like a sort of surface level.
but it doesn't change things right so often you know for example dieting we know we should like probably eat less sugar and less crap and we should probably move our bodies but do we do the things? Always. Not necessarily we have the knowledge but we don't necessarily have the embodied wisdom and so when I got this like really got it that shifted things within me and not just like as a concept or an idea or like a theory you know theoretical knowledge out there that this could probably maybe help me.
But like when I actually like used it in my life, I was like, my gosh, like this identity piece is everything because not only will it help you with your relationship with your partner or your kids or your in-laws, but it will also help you with neighbors, with internet trolls, with people on social media. And not only that, but it will also help you when it comes to creating relationships, healthy relationships with food, with money, with social media.
with boundaries for your time and energy. It's so important to know yourself really well. That's what this is, an invitation back to knowing who you really are. Because when you know yourself really well, you know where you begin and where others end, it makes it so much easier to stay in your happy, peaceful, now it really is zone of comfort, isn't it? When you've got this boundary, not to keep people out, but the boundaries are really about an invitation to come inward, into deeper connection with you.
We're the right people, right? And so this is actually super crucial. This boundary setting is an expression of your authentic self and you cannot fully be authentically self-expressed without boundaries. Yes, you might discover some after they've been crossed, right? And that's okay. That's the choose your own adventure that you get another go at and you get to be like, that did not work for me. Let's try this one again. That's okay.
Everything that we encounter, every moment, every experience is an opportunity either to evolve or grow or gives us the experience that we were after all along. And so none of those are a bad thing. Those are all moving us towards creating the life that we truly want. As long as we're moving with intention and being the person that we want to be, we are going to attract and experience everything that our hearts desire. It's just a matter of getting in tune with that. And when we're chasing,
and we're focused on things outside of ourselves. We are not, we are not that, we are waiting, right? And waiting is not the same as having and we're experiencing. And I love that, that difference between that chasing and that chasing is diverting our attention, but pushing away kind of what we want. And we're trying to force things and figure it out versus this different shift where you know who you are. And I'm curious about, you talked about embodying it.
and really owning it. So what was that like for you? How did you know the difference between I have this in my head, I have this cognitive knowledge and I have embodied it, owned it and brought it into my life? I would say that the biggest indicator of that is that I felt the peace and happiness that I had been looking for, right? That is like you are experiencing what you want to experience. You are creating the healthy, happy, loving relationship that you've been after.
It's actually in your experience now. That's how you know you've embodied it. It's not just nice ideas. It's actually your lived experience. And I will say that it's really important because, Kate, here's the thing. Quite literally, we cannot see ourselves without a mirror. I mean, we can see parts of ourselves. We can't see the whole self, right? That's why we think there's parts of us missing. We just literally can't see it. And so often, as a
catalyst to this inner work, to this identity discovery of who we really are, we need a mirror. Now we can do that in ways that feel really good and they can sometimes happen in ways that don't feel so good because it can be really confrontive to see the stuff especially that we have been trying so hard not to look at, which is most of the stuff where we've fallen short because we don't want to see that. We have hidden parts of ourselves away. This is a trauma response.
largely from past experiences, many of them during childhood, where we have tucked away parts of ourselves that weren't getting us the outcomes that we desired. Either it created a safety problem for us, and so we felt like we had to hide that part away, or it just wasn't getting the response from people around us. And so we decided, you know what, maybe they'll might just like me better and I might fit in. And this is all part of our internal instincts for survival, believe it or not, which unfortunately now,
at this stage in our lives, if these things are coming up, our brain is just like, holy shit, we're gonna die if we don't do this. It's not that dire, right? We know this. can now sit back and intellectualize and realize, okay, well, I'm not actually being chased by a bear. Like, nothing is actually under threat. However, those responses can be very illuminating for us. And they're ultimately...
I like to talk about triggers or activations. I prefer to call them activations. They're really activating something in you, right? So triggers are teachers, right? They're activating something in you, something for you to bring forth and look at that you are obviously now ready and capable of looking at because it's coming forth, right? Otherwise, you know, if we don't look at these things, we can try and stuff them away. And let's not comfortable. And I'm not supposed to, you know, I'm too much and all the stories. If we let that stuff us down,
We will stay there in our familiar zone, which generally doesn't stay that comfortable. We often feel quite stuck. And stuck is not really a bad thing. A lot of people will be like, it's so stuck and it's such a bad thing. It's not a bad thing. It's actually an invitation. means there's something more for you. It's just highlighting the incongruence between where you are now in your familiar area with the things that you dream of, the things that you long for.
the things that you want to create and experience in your life. And it's just an indication that you're being pulled in that direction. So instead of being like, I'm so stuck, be like, this is an invitation. Where are we going next? Choose your own adventure. I love that. I love the two things I want to pull out. The activation, that is such, trigger is such a buzzword where we have some negative connotations attached to it. Yeah. And it's very outsource-y also.
Right? It's like saying like you push my button. And again, it's putting the focus on the other person, which does not serve anybody. Right. But that activation is like, there's something inside me lighting up. It's like you have a switchboard and it's like, okay, this is lighting up. just like inside out where they have the switchboard is something that's lighting up.
to curious about it. And that is such a more welcoming term that we get to say, there's something in me. And I absolutely love that because it's easier to sit beside an activation than think about, something triggered me out there because we still can put, take on that victim mode. It's out there. Something pushed something in me, but it was out there. And as long as we think it's out there, we cannot shift it. We cannot change it.
But if we get activated, we light up and we're like, what is this? Let's sit beside it. Let's get curious. And I love, love, love that. The other point I really want to sit with is the stuck and how that is just, and it's not necessarily comfortable, but it is familiar. It is that space. And that's just a new aha in my brain that that stuck is just, here we are. We can predict it. It's here.
We know what's going on, but we're wanting more. And it's romantic row. Yes. And the stock feeling is usually that block. Okay. I'm like boxed in, there's nothing, but if this is like, okay, this is my typical, I'm really familiar with this. Yes, it's uncomfortable. And it's showing me, I want more. It's showing me, I get to choose my own adventure. I love how you frame that because I think it is so huge for people in those aha moments of like, okay.
I may be feeling stuck, but I always call it, this is my transition period. That I'm feeling stuck, it's my transition period because that is that moving through. But I love how it's, this is my time to choose my own adventure. This means there's something more for me. Absolutely. And you know, it's an invitation to stop waiting and start creating, right? Because this is essentially you standing in your power. Now I'll clarify all this by saying you never gave up your power. That's not possible.
Okay. But you can forget that you had your power and you can operate like you don't have any power. You can operate in victim mentality. I've done this. I know because I have been there. I spent years wishing, hoping, wanting, dreaming that my acts would change. And I will tell you so that you can stop wasting your fucking time that all that hoping and wanting and wishing in the world will not create change in someone else.
The only way someone will change is if they want it for themselves. And I mean, thankfully, the same is true for us because we are sovereign beings. We get to choose whether we change or whether we don't. And a lot of times in relationship, we expect our partner to change just because we have a different preference for them. And at the same time, this often stems from people pleasing, good girl conditioning, feeling that
Our preferences don't really matter. this is our one little way of trying to control the situation or feeling control of it by having this person change for us, because that'll show us how much they love us. Instead of, a whole bunch of finger pointing that is, instead of taking radical responsibility for ourselves, am I expecting someone else to change? Or maybe I should look at my preferences. Maybe I should look at my expectations, my assumptions, my judgments.
and my attitude about the whole thing. Because what I want most, if I really boil it down, is to be unconditionally loved and accepted, just as I am, without having to fucking pretend to be anybody else. And I would guess that that's what you all want too. And the tricky thing is, is if we don't show up authentically as ourselves, if we show up under people pleasing patterns, saying yes when we
absolutely mean no, waiting for other people to come and save us and or change so that they can quote unquote make us happy. That is not you and your power. It's not. And you deserve to live a better way, a better way where you feel on fire, where you actually receive that unconditional love and acceptance that you desire. But you have to show up as you. Like you have to put down the masks. You have to stop saying yes when you mean no. You have to start asking for what you want.
And sometimes that means figuring out what the fuck do I want first, right? And so this is the peeling back of the layers. It's not an unending healing journey where there's always something more to fix or put back together. It's not that it's a whole you who gets to evolve every single day and step more and more into your authentic expression and sovereign being. That's it. You don't have to become someone else.
You just get to be you. That is the magic sauce to creating the relationships that you want. And I know because the world has told you, well, you just have to dress this way or say these things or play hard to get or it's bullshit. It's all an illusion. It's all a distraction. And that is why you're not having the love and relationships that you want, plain and simple. We don't know who you are. You don't know what you want.
And for me personally, a big one was that radical responsibility. once I stepped into owning what I was creating, being really taking responsibility for every aspect of my life, the biggest thing that I let go in my relationship was the blame game, that it's your fault. I was taking on that victim role and I would get so frustrated because,
all my energy's going out and I'm not getting what I want. And aren't you seeing, can't you mind read? And it really was stepping into this is who I am. This is who I wanna be. These are my expectations for what I want in a relationship, but also owning my own part in it. And once I could give up the victim role and give up the blame game, then we were able to come together and really be a solid.
relationship or really phenomenal relationship at this stage. But both of us come from that same space of we both want that unconditional love. And we were activating each other in big ways. It was owning mine where we could really see those patterns, him owning his and seeing those patterns, but both of us wanting to work towards this together. But we both have to work on ourselves. It wasn't
like trying to shift and change somebody else, it was really this, you know, being able to step into our own selves and then come to meet versus trying to mesh it together. Absolutely. And when two whole people come together, I'll tell you what, that's where magic happens because no one is looking to the other person for all of their needs to be met because like we talked about, that is an impossible ask for both parties. It's just not possible. And the other piece I want to really just
really dive in on the blame and shame game that so many of us play because it feels like you're fucking doing something. Okay. It feels like you're doing something to change your relationship when you complain about it, when you bitch about it, when you point fingers, when you say it's their fault. I two hands up have done this. So I am telling you from first hand experience, it feels like, like, like you're making progress on it, but you're not. Okay.
You're not, you're actually digging yourself into a deeper hole in that relationship. You are not digging yourself out of it. And so my invitation, and I know this can be a harsh one because like, like I said, it was kind of my holy moment too. Like, my God, I am literally a part of all of this, right? What have I tolerated? What have I previously accepted? What are the standards I have set forth? What are the behaviors that I have encouraged?
Because I'll tell you what I woke up one day feeling like how the fuck did I get here? And I tell the story a lot about you know, you're like drive home, but you're you're in La La Land So you don't really remember the drive. That was me one morning. I just like How like I don't remember stopping at any red lights and by stopping in the red lights. I mean like I don't remember tolerating Escalating behavior that got me to this point where I am right now where I feel like I have to make a different decision and I'll tell you
You don't have to wait until rock bottom to make a different decision. to say the least of those, because it would be much easier to not make that decision at rock bottom. So invitation, that if you are that woman we spoke to at the beginning who's just feeling like, is this it? By the time these kids move out, I don't know if there'll be anything left of my relationship. How awkward is it going to be when we're empty nesters and we don't like each other?
Right? How long can I go on just acting like we're roommates? How long can I go on trying to be myself, but worrying that my partner is not going to be okay with this expression of me? How long can I go on wearing the masks and giving suffering from Justin momitis, giving to everyone else and then feeling, feeling that victim mode, resentful, disappointed, frustrated, maybe blowing up at your family, the people you love the most.
Right. And then setting up setting yourself on a guilt and shame spiral to accompany that because girl, I've been through it so many times. I know, I know how this goes down and none of it makes you feel good. Nope. So my invitation is to set all of that aside, to focus on the one thing that you can control. That is not your husband, ladies. Okay. It's not, it's you, right? And it's the intention that you're setting for your life. Like we touched on, you get to choose.
your human experience. So why not choose one that lights your soul on fire? That's literally what you're here to do. And if you've been through a bit of a mess like I have, there's always an opportunity to transform it, to alchemize it, to turn that what I call a messy fucking beautiful adventure of life. You can turn those messy bits into a message, right? Which can then serve other women who are experiencing the same thing you have. So now you realize, wow.
I've been through some stuff and it wasn't just for me, but I can actually help other people with this too. That to me is like that final little like bow on the present, right? Because it's a gift that not only were you able to receive, but now you're able to extend to others. And what an opportunity, what a chance to leave a legacy, create an impact. Like, I think that all of us, you know, want to make a difference in this world. And this is just one really easy way to do it.
We don't have to scale a mountain or, you know, be on a TV show to make an impact. We can do that by simply sharing the embodied wisdom that we've picked up along the way. my gosh. Yes. I love, love, this because anyway, I want to point out we don't have to share this on a grand scale. This does not make you turn your story into a book, but so you could actually. Yes, please.
We need more stories out there and I'm so appreciative that you have written yours. But for the day-to-day things, the deepest connections I have found in my life is when I started talking to my friends, to people that I know, because it's sharing that light in the little ways, in the day-to-day ways. We don't have to go because I know so many people go, okay, so now I'm gonna have to share this story in a really big way and then we get the analysis paralysis and we can't go.
No, share your story, talk to your friends, talk to people around you. Because what I have found is our deepest, darkest secrets are usually the most common. They're the things that we're all struggling with. And when we start talking about them, we're shedding- To lose their power. Yes. And I love the, the messes can be messages because it's really shifting it. doesn't have to be, you know, and you can absolutely go out and do something grand. Yeah. It can be something as little.
or is big to that person who's hearing it, is sharing your story to a neighbor, to a friend. And also as moms, when we are stepping into our own identity, when we are able to really tap into that self love, we are showing our kids how to do that. And we are the cycle breakers that are saying, okay, we're gonna shift the story. We're gonna choose a different adventure and we're leading the path so that our kids can do the same. And I think that is huge in
my relationship changed as I owned my own identity, as I really started shedding the layers and stepping into it. My kids changed too. I mean, there are little mirrors. And as I felt better about me, I noticed my kids were more confident, felt better about themselves, had less behavior issues because they're trying to get attention. And it really doesn't matter how, as long as they're feeding that attention, but we're getting attention in different ways.
a huge thing when we're able to step into our own identities and really own it. And like all of all this, bullshit that we've carried around forever. always say it's like a backpack that we've had, you know, rocks put in and it's setting the backpack down and saying, okay, this doesn't belong to me anymore. This is stuff that I've picked up from other people and I get to meet me and I get to own it and be responsible for it. And when we're responsible, we have power because then we get to choose. Exactly.
And our kids don't need perfect parents. They need real parents. They need parents who are leading the way, are going first, who are showing them how to create healthy, loving relationships. Not talking about it, not dreaming about it, not wishing for it, but actually showing them. And that starts with showing them how to love yourself first. I think that a lot of young people would end up in healthier relationships if we weren't taught to chase that fucking.
white picket fence and you know a dog and 2.5 kids if we weren't chasing all the wrong things and I get it because this is very deeply rooted in patriarchy and past times where women didn't have rights and so women were chasing men because their lives fucking depended on it and they don't anymore so women are a lot of women are standing up and saying no thank you if you're not going to be my true partner and we're not going to be equals on the same page
I don't want it. And I know that lots of people are, saying that's not what's going on and all the men will have different stories about this. Men are also at the same time. I'm seeing people talk about men think women have too high of expectations. It's the conditioning, right? Men were conditioned to win at all costs and to show up and be tough and strong and to be, you know, emotionally stoic. And that is now biting them in the foot just as much as our good girl conditioning to be people pleasers. Yes, women.
and people who put everyone else ahead of ourselves while we wear masks and cry in the bathroom. It's just, not a match anymore, right? It's time for both gender, all genders, everyone in between included, to step up and, you know, embrace some emotional intelligence, embrace the times, embrace a more equal approach. Like, let's not, has its pros and cons. It might have taken us too far to the other extreme. I'm not suggesting women take over the world.
Although, maybe. But no, I think that actually we would be in our strongest capabilities if we saw one another as equals. And this is regardless of gender, sexuality, race, ethnicity, education, any of it. As human beings, we are all one. We are all connected. And the sooner we can come to fucking grips with this idea that we're all one and what we do to the arm affects the leg,
We are going to continue hurtling ourselves towards a world quite similar to the one featured in Idiocracy. Because we're doing this whole us versus them. We're doing this very divisive approach. And it's not working. Because we can't do that. We are connected. And so the sooner we can get connected within, the sooner we'll be able to experience this connection without. And that's how we're going to change the world, right? This change, you might think it's not a big deal. And how is possibly?
me working on myself gonna make any impact, it will make more impact than you can imagine immediately in your personal experience because your perception is what takes quote unquote reality from in front of you and brings it into your experience. So if you've ever noticed two people responding to the exact same situation in a completely different way, you can understand this phenomenon that everything is created by your personal perception of reality.
Second thing, stop arguing with reality. You can deny it all you want, but you know what? You know how I know that what's happening right now is meant to be? Because it is. And anything to argue against what is the facts before us is a waste of time and energy. The much better use would be focusing on me. Where are my perceptions causing me attachment or suffering or causing me to buy into illusions of fear and worry and doubt?
When the truth is I'm whole and I have everything that I need. And if I can bring myself back to that state often and live from this state of wholeness, I know that there's nothing that I can't create for myself. I love that. I know that there's nothing I can't create for myself when I stand in my wholeness. I think that's such a beautiful idea. And it is one that isn't necessarily easy to step into. No, it's not.
but it can be that understanding that this can happen for you. And it doesn't have to be as hard as you might think it is. You might be overwhelmed by the potential discomfort. I'll tell you what, it's worth going through, wading through, towing, putting your toe over the line of that comfort zone to see what is beyond because the fact is you already know.
what exists in your comfort zone. It's familiar, it's safe. You already know. But your big dreams, the big opportunities and possibilities that maybe are waiting for you that you haven't even actually said to yourself, like, I want that. They're still waiting for you. All of those little ideas, those niggling that you may have ever had, like say like maybe someday, it's all waiting for you. But it's not in that familiar comfort zone. It's like just outside of it, right? And the more you can just
peek over the edge, just baby steps. What can I do that's a little bit more loving and nurturing for myself today that can take me one step closer to those intentions? Every time you do that, you're taking a step towards your big dreams. And I'll tell you what, in the comfort zone, it often looks like you don't have much choice, right? That is the victim mentality. Like everything's just happening to me. I don't really have any choices. Like same shit, different day. But it's not the truth. The truth is,
anything's possible when you set your mind to it and you have the opportunity and the ability to choose it for yourself. That's beautiful. Yeah, because we do, we do have the ability and opportunity to choose for ourselves. And I want to highlight that what can I do today? Yeah. Because it seems overwhelming when it's like, my gosh, this is a far out dream. I could never make it happen. How do I get unstuck? How do I get
out of here? How do I see that I have options? It's what can I do today? Because today doesn't feel as overwhelming. If I'm just looking at, well, maybe I could do something for myself right now, or maybe I can plan something for myself today. Maybe I can step into this. Maybe I can have a conversation. Maybe I can put a teeny tiny little boundary. Maybe I can say no.
when I really mean no, instead of saying yes. There's so many opportunities that we can take today without having to worry about tomorrow, without having to worry how we're gonna do it five years from now. But those steps today are what going to change your life. It's that momentum that keeps going, that really builds. And it is just that shift into that.
fullness into letting things go. It's already there within within you. You've already got it. It's just turning that little flashlight inward instead of outward and what you can find. It's honestly pure magic. Once you connect those dots and it does not have to be painful. It does not have to mean dredging through your past traumas over and over and over. It does not have to mean any of that. It just means rewriting the story.
starting here today, right? You can't change what happened to you in the past. And that's why I say, turn the mess into the message. We're not erasing the mess. We're not pretending it didn't happen. We're not forgiving and forgetting as they encourage you to do, which is kind of bullshit anyways, because it would be terribly unsmart for you to forget the bad things you've been through and allow it to happen again, right? So let's not forgive and forget. Let's forgive, release our burdens so that we can become free, right, to create new experiences for ourselves.
to live authentically as ourselves because it's only when we show up authentically unapologetically as who we really are that we can receive that unconditional love and acceptance. If we're not being who we really are, if we're wearing masks or people pleasing or, you know, trying to get to be whoever other people might like us or whatever, there will always be this part like, I didn't show them my whole self. And if they knew about this,
piece of me that I've been hiding away because my, you know, maybe someone when I was young told me that little girls don't get angry. So I've that part away, right? That's a very common story. Men, it's socially acceptable for men to be very angry. That's in fact the only emotion that's socially acceptable for men to have. Women on the other hand, it's more socially acceptable for us to be sad, like delicate little butterflies. And so when we just untangle the bullshit, recognize that humans have emotions.
There's nothing actually bad or wrong about any of the emotions. And you are not your emotions. You are actually the observer of them. They're information. They're activations for you to use to stand in your power to create the experiences you want, starting with the changes that you're going to see on the inside. I completely believe that the miracle you're looking for is actually in your perspective shift. It's going to be a small perspective shift that is going to turn things on its head. You are going to see things.
from a completely different light, a different angle, different understanding. And that's how we continue to grow and evolve is by giving ourselves grace to do that, to look back on, to see things with new eyes, right? This is how we learn. This is part of our journey of evolution is to see what we've done and to learn and grow from it. So invitation, if that's you to just, my gosh, give yourself so much grace.
allow yourself to be perfectly imperfect, right? As humans are where we're gonna make mistakes. It's part of the journey. And if you're not making mistakes, you're not fucking trying hard enough. I love that. I really wanna highlight the thought that the miracle that you're looking for
is a perception shift because so many of us are striving and searching and looking and looking for that next guru to help us solve whatever's inside of it. But if the miracle is inside of us and it's just a shift in how we're viewing it, there's so much we can do. It's such an incredible thing. my gosh. Kristi, thank you so much. This is incredible conversation.
Please share with our listeners about your book and how they can connect with you because you share such powerful messages. and I love people to be able to continue this conversation with you. Yes, thank you. And so I obviously love working with whole ass humans, you know, that are tired of dimming their light. And if that's you, if you spent some time dimming your light and you know, not
shining to your fullest potential, you know there's something itching within you. There's like a wild woman, right, ready to come out. I would love to continue this conversation with you so that you can stop abandoning yourself, right, and start experiencing the kind of love and connection and passion in life that you were created for. So ultimately, there are lots of ways you can come into my world. You can find all of them on my website at
coach Christy Holt.com. Of course, the my latest book Love Unstuck. I have a free sneak peek offer and you can find that on my website. And actually you can go straight to love unstuck.com to find out specifically more about this new book. And I have to share to my podcast. We have touched on probably 25 topics that I have covered in individual episodes on season three of Create Your Happy.
So if this conversation feels like it's speaking to you, I invite you to explore the episodes there that really resonate with the topics that you'd like more information on. And again, bearing all of it in mind that I'm talking about relationship things like how to set good boundaries and how to communicate and avoid conflict and all of these things and use conflict actually to improve your relationships. But it starts with you, right?
So everything comes back to building the solid foundation with yourself. And when you're solid with yourself, it's just much easier to navigate relationships with other people, right? Because you know who you are. And that is actually you standing in your power. So thank you so much for sharing this incredible conversation. I trust that the listeners found a little nugget or two in there that will hopefully give them a tiny miracle in their perspective shift today.
thank you so much. I'm sure there are a lot of nuggets that they have taken from you. So all of Christie's contact information is down in the show notes. So make sure that you hop down there and you can direct to her book and her website and her podcast. I really want to appreciate how much time you've spent with us, all the knowledge that you've shared and the enthusiasm and excitement about the possibilities.
you have presented today.
Landy Peek (55:16)
And because I think it is so important as adults for us to hear affirmations about ourselves. You are smart and creative and talented and fun and energetic and funny and an incredible human being. And I am so thankful.
that you are part of my life. I love you and I like you and I wish you all the happiness today.
Landy Peek (55:55)
I will talk to you on the next episode.
Landy Peek (55:59)
Hey, before you go, just a little bit of legal. This podcast is designed for educational purposes only. It is not to replace any expert advice from your doctors, therapists, coaches, or any other professional that you would work with. It's just a chat with a friend, me, where we get curious about ideas, thoughts, and things that are going on in our lives. And as we're talking about friends, if you know someone who would benefit from the conversation today, please share.
Because I think the more that we open up these conversations, the more benefit we all get. So until next time, give yourself a big hug from me and stay curious because that's the fun in this world.
