Landy Peek (00:00)
Welcome to the Landy Peak podcast. I'm your host and friend, Landy Peak, and I am thrilled to have you join me. In each episode, we will explore what makes life truly fulfilling. Happiness, deep connections, and self -discovery. Together we'll uncover that happiness is not a destination, but a way of living. Now, let's dive into today's episode.
Landy Peek (00:31)
Welcome to the Landy Peak Podcast. This is Landy Peak, your friend and host. And as we are in the midst of the holiday season, this episode is coming out right before Christmas.
I want to take a moment to really talk about the stress level that goes on with all of the holiday festivities. As the holiday season unfolds, it is so easy to get swept up in the whirlwind of festivities, family gatherings, and the endless to-do lists. The truth is
Well, the season can be filled with joy. It also comes with a lot of stress, and we don't always talk about the stress. For many of us, there is a pressure to create that picture-perfect holiday experience. We wanna be the best parents. We wanna make sure, if your kid's school is like my kid's school, that you're doing all...
of the festive daily things like the crazy hair day and the hat and headgear and the jingle bells and the reindeer day. And it is so hard to keep up with each of those and all of the other things that we're having to do.
And let's not forget the unique challenges that come with being around our family. Because a lot of times when we come back all together, and I don't know if you've noticed this, but I definitely noticed this over Thanksgiving, there are a lot of old patterns and dynamics that resurface. Some of them are interesting and some of them are toxic.
And being aware of those patterns can really help you survive that holiday experience. I want to let you know it's not uncommon to feel overwhelmed, especially as women. Often we find ourselves juggling a multitude of responsibilities during this time of year. I saw a statistic that
like 44 % of women experience a high level of stress during the holidays compared to like 31 % of men. As women, we are really running the show. All of the magic comes from us, right? All of the to-dos, the presents, you you see the memes and reels and things that have like wife's list has everybody.
Husband's list, wife, maybe. Sometimes she's shopping for herself. These expectations can feel suffocating, and it's important to give ourselves grace amidst all of the chaos. So what can you do? How can you navigate these stressors while still embracing the spirit of the season?
I've got a couple of things I wanna run through. First, we're gonna talk about setting boundaries. And here's your permission to say no.
Now, this is a big thing and it might sound simple, but it can be really hard when we're talking about our family dynamics. When we're saying, I'd like to have a quiet holiday with just my immediate family before we go out and celebrate with all of the extended family. And that could be something different for you this year.
Or could be something where you have a boundary already in place. But I worked with a client around this topic this last week and it's the stress and the struggle of having the huge families that come in and all she wanted was to be able, they celebrate Christmas, to be able to do Christmas morning in their pajamas, opening just Santa, whatever family presents before they went over.
and went family gathering and really working on setting that boundary, which felt really good to her. But as soon as she brought it up to her family, of course, mom's upset, dad's upset, right? There's a lot of backlash that comes on when we're setting those boundaries. So,
While setting boundaries and saying no can be a game changer, it doesn't mean it's easy. And I really invite you to look at the things that are the biggest stress. When we're talking about setting boundaries and saying no, what are the things in the holiday season that bring you the most stress and the least joy? Those are the things that you need to start thinking about. Can I shift this? Can I change this?
Can I put a boundary or say no to this? It's okay not to be the incredible party planner and everything in your kid's school. It's okay if they experience disappointment. It's okay if your parents experience disappointment. It's even okay if you experience disappointment. And disappointment is something we all try to avoid.
We don't like that feeling. We don't like disappointing others, but it is a human experience and it does build resilience and it's okay. So as the holidays are packed with events and obligations that quickly become overwhelming, I invite you to take a step back and see
where you can let go just a little bit. So many times we are white-knuckling it through the holidays, and it's seeing what you can relax your hands around. What can you let go of just a little bit? 1%, 2%, maybe even 10%. Right, we don't have to make huge grand changes, especially this late in the game.
but it can help you by just seeing what don't I have to do as big or as grand as I typically might do.
So as we recognize our own limits, whether they're emotional or financial or social, you can look at what you want to prioritize, what truly matters to you and your family. And it's absolutely okay to decline or step back or just not go as big and grand as you've done in the past.
You don't need to do it all. You get to choose how you want to create this holiday season. So as we are managing those soaring expectations, we are often surrounded by images of flawless holiday celebrations, which can lead us to believe that our holiday celebrations must measure up.
I got to tell you, So I've had two neighbors drop off holiday presents this, the week that I'm recording. So this is before Christmas is here for me. And...
There was that slight like, my gosh, like they're ahead of the game. I'm not even to thinking about neighbor gifts right now. I'm still trying to be on the like, my gosh, do I have what I need done? Not to even look at what I want done and all of the other things, right? And so we have that comparison game of, whoa, they're on top of it and look how nice it is. And I'm not even there. So all of the
expectations that we put on ourselves, that we see from others, it can lead us to believe that we must measure up, that we have to be more. But it's essential to keep in mind that the most memorable moments often come from imperfection. It's embracing the messiness.
It's allowing yourself to enjoy the genuine connections with loved ones rather than striving for an unattainable ideal. So I have a friend who never sends out holiday letters, but sends out Valentine's Day family letters every year. Brilliant. She takes off the pressure.
I don't do holiday cards. So if you don't get one from me, it's not because I don't like you. It's because I just don't send them. But I love that she's taken off the pressure for herself. It's fun to read everything that's happened, you know, in her life and her family's life over the last year. But it comes at Valentine's Day. So it's looking at if it's a tradition that is important to you, does it have to happen right now? When it comes to our family interactions,
It's not unusual for old dynamics and patterns to resurface. Maybe, and you may have noticed this, and sometimes I think it's easier to notice in my husband because I'm the outsider looking in, than really to see those patterns in my own family. But I spent Thanksgiving with my family and it was really interesting to see the different patterns that
popped back up with me being back with my parents and my sister. And while they weren't toxic patterns, it was still there were patterns there that I related to my sister a little bit more in the younger version of me than the 40 year old version of me. I don't live anywhere near my sister, so I see her maybe once or twice a year. So it's interesting as those kind of things are brought back.
as we were doing Thanksgiving dinner, interesting to see how old roles pop back in in who's cooking what and who's doing what and who's putting things on the table and all of that kind of stuff that came from childhood. And we all easily just landed back in those spaces. Now, sometimes as we tap back into those patterns, it might be tension.
with a sibling, or there's those conversations that trigger past memories or trigger past events. There's those things that mom or dad always say. There's the comparison games. There's so many things that come with being in and around our families again. I have a friend and when she went back to her family for Thanksgiving, she realized
that the entire family only laughs when they're laughing at someone else. And this is how she grew up. It's really that they make jokes at the expense of others in the family and it rolls through the family that that was their together laughing time. It was never around something that wasn't based on someone else. And she came back feeling really sad around that, that this was the pattern.
But at this stage in our life, she's really aware of the pattern. And so sometimes we have all of this stuff that comes up and it's becoming aware of it. And then being able to process, hold it, see what you wanna do with it. It's acknowledging these feelings rather than suppressing them. It's being more aware so you maybe don't step into the pattern if it's a toxic pattern.
And I want to tell you, it's okay to feel a mix of emotions during this time. My favorite word is and. You can be happy and grieving. I know a lot of families who are missing loved ones in the holiday time. And it's really hard. And especially if it's a newer loss, there's that
feeling that you can't truly enjoy it because that other person is not there. But I want to invite you to really sit with the and. That you can be happy and joyful and experience a really incredible holiday and be grieving and miss that person so completely. We are capable of that grand, big
expansive emotion of Ant.
And so as we go through this holiday season, I really want you to hear and feel it's okay to feel that mix of emotion. It's okay to at times feel that joy and then it swing to something else. It's allowing yourself to take a moment to even self-reflect, to label those feelings.
Because sometimes those feelings are very, very familiar when we're back in with those family systems. there's the anxiety, or the fear, or the sadness, or the anger, or whatever is coming up for you. And one of my techniques is really talking to that like an old friend. here we are, anxiety.
We meet again. It's a familiar feeling. I know exactly what it is. I know exactly how it feels in my body. And I can either push through it, ignore it, or I can say hi to it. And a lot of times, as we're going back into these situations with family, as we're coming back into that holiday stress, we can tell that anxiety, that fear, that sadness, whatever it is, that I see you.
Thank you for showing up for me, but I don't need you this time.
And just that can be a game changer for how you're experiencing those emotions.
Social connections are huge. And so sometimes we just need that other person, that friend or partner or whoever it is in your life, to be able to just talk about it, to be able to hear and feel I'm not alone. And I can tell you, you are not alone. There are a lot of people feeling this grand mix of emotion right now through the holidays. But being able to share it with a friend, someone you trust,
help you really navigate those feelings. And it's really nice, like I have my bestie, who we can very much tap into. We get it. Like, I don't have to explain things to her. I can just say something and like, she gets it. Those interactions, those friends and support can really help in those interactions with family.
the stress and experiences that we're having. And with that support, it's easier to navigate a little bit more gracefully. But if you don't, give yourself grace. If because of the high level of stress, you snap more, it's okay. Ideally, we do not snap and hurt other people's feelings. But those moments when you lose it,
Those are moments that you can go and repair your relationships and repairing relationships strengthens that bond. We're not looking for perfect relationships. We're not looking to be perfect parents. We're looking to be humans and having this human experience, even if we overflow and snap at our kids, coming back and showing them that we can repair that if it happens. Being able to explain, wow.
Mom's really stressed out and overwhelmed right now. And that had nothing to do with you. It had everything to do with me. Because a lot of times when we are snapping, it's because our sensory systems are so overloaded. I was talking to a client and we were talking about how through the holiday seasons, right, we are so much more sensory sensitive than typically. So
It's like your cup of water and you're filled to the brim. Typically you have a little bit of space. So when stressors come in, right, it might get to that brim where it kind of bubbles over, but doesn't flow over. You've seen that where you have that dome on the water. So a lot of times going through the year, we do have a little bit of space for some stress to come in and we can still handle it. But holiday season.
Our dome, our little water cups have that dome over where it's not overflowing, but it's over full. And then it only takes one drop of water and it is splashing everywhere. That one drop of water could be kids that are too loud, could be that one extra thing that you get last minute from the school that says, my gosh, you guys get to do this. It's now pajama day tomorrow and you have late at night and the pajamas aren't washed that they want to wear to school.
And woo, that's it, right?
So if we look at our cups are just overfilled, not overflowing, it's easier to understand why it just splashes everywhere. And giving yourself grace around that is huge. You're human. You're not perfect. No one is perfect. And we can have those moments with our kids because they are probably overfilled too.
with the amount of stressors that are going on all of the holiday things. They're sleeping poorly. You're sleeping poorly. Everybody's eating sugar. And we all know that is a combination for a lot more emotions overflowing into our lives. it's interesting as I was talking to my client because we both
had some sensory sensitivities that are popping up with the holidays. Now, I know with me, when I get stressed and overwhelmed, auditory things bug me where they do not bug me other times. So typically I can sit down at the dinner table and we can all be talking and eating and I'm fine. Well, I found over the weekend,
I was sitting next to my husband and I could hear him chew. Now I've known this for years and this is like one of my keys of like, woo, I'm stressed. So I could hear him chew and it was bothering me so badly. And then I could hear my daughter chew and she came and she was just, I was looking on my phone. She came over and she sat right next to me.
and she peered her head over my shoulder to look at my phone, because we were talking about something we were looking at, and she was chewing. And I just about lost it. And I'm like, you need to step away. And I hurt her feelings because I'm like, you have to move. It's my sensory system. It has nothing to do with her. She was doing nothing wrong. She was chewing gum, but, my goodness. So it's really tapping into
What are your signals and signs inside your body that are letting you know that you're extra stressed? so when I start to really feel that stress, the family knows it because music goes on while we're eating. So I cannot hear other people chewing because it drives me up the wall. And it's when you notice that music or
kid noise or whatever, it's just getting too much, right? And it could be any sensory system that feels overwhelmed. Mine just happens to be auditory.
And so as we're trying to really go through it, it's giving ourselves grace, it's being able to laugh at it, it's explaining to my daughter that this is just me being stressed and my husband teasing me and my daughter around it to make it more, I don't know if I wanna say normalized, but so that she didn't feel like it was directed towards her because it isn't, it's completely my sensory system.
And I just know chewing is one of those things that drives me crazy, but not all the time. So it really is this balance that we're trying to bring in. It's really giving ourselves grace and laughing at the things that come up because it is funny that like I can't stand to sit next to somebody like at a table and hear them chew when typically it's not a big deal.
It's really tapping into those little things. It's recognizing the patterns in yourself. It's recognizing the stress in yourself. It's giving yourself grace around that. It's saying, you know what? This is where I am. And this is okay. And I don't have to pile on the extra stress and the extra guilt of, my gosh, I'm being a bad mom. I need to just handle it all. Just push through it. It doesn't work. Have you noticed?
that I mean, I'm in my 40s. So if you're anywhere near me, have you noticed that the tactics and strategies you use to handle and cope with stress in your 20s and 30s just doesn't work anymore? There's a reason for that. But it's really around how our brains are changing in our 40s. It's how perimenopause is hitting our systems. And so with that combination, we don't have the same abilities.
to use the strategies we've used before. So now we're really feeling at loss because we used to be able to go, okay, I can just use the push through it strategy. I'm just gonna do it, make it happen. And it doesn't work. And so we are in the midst of an age and space for ourselves where we're having to re figure out how we deal with stress because all of a sudden things feel so overwhelming when they didn't before.
This is where ADHD really pops up for women because we've been able to mask it until we lose the ability to use those coping strategies. And then it's like in full force.
So one of the things I really invite you to do in this span of the holidays is to prioritize you. That's it, prioritize you. Now, what do you need? If you need lights down low to help your sensory system, if you need to play music at dinner so you can't hear anybody chewing, what do you need? Do you need space? Do you need time? Do you need a walk? Do you need to eat, to drink?
Sometimes our basic things, we start pushing off. I realized one day last week, I never ate breakfast. That's not typical for me. I never ate breakfast, but it was such a go push morning that it was just like one of those things where we're running late and we have to get to some place. And then I had things that I just couldn't get back to eat. And all of a sudden it's one o'clock in the afternoon and I still haven't eaten.
That's not good for my system. I know that. And so it's looking at what do I need? Well, I need food. It may be throwing a granola bar in your purse so that you have something. It's I need water. That's one of the things I really notice that goes away is I start drinking more coffee and less water as I feel like that rush. So it's not just
focusing on self-care in the basic of I'm going to go get a massage or a facial or do a yoga class. But really, what are those basic needs that maybe you're ignoring that you need to bring back in? What do you need? Do you need to feel more financial security or more financial control? What can you do to bring that in? Do you need to feel stronger boundaries? Do you need prediction? Right.
So I know as my daughter gets stressed, she really wants to know what's coming, is great. That's how her brain processes things. She really loves to have all of the things going out so she can plan and prepare. And when things are coming up and she's stressed and things are just coming up willy-nilly, it's hard for her. There are a lot of us like that.
but it's looking at what do you need? Knowing a lot of our routines are off right now. So what parts of your healthy routines can you bring in? And it's okay to indulge in the holiday treats, but it's also okay to say no.
We were in a social situation recently and somebody had offered cake and I'm like, no, I'm okay. And they're like, we know you're okay, but what do you want? And I'm like, let's reframe this. I don't want cake right now because I know that sugar load right now is not what my body needs. It's okay to indulge and it's okay to say no. It's okay to let your
typical routine slip, and it's okay to want to hold onto it. It's the balance that is key. It's making sure that you're getting what you need in the basic form, But also allowing yourself the freedom to do things that are fun, to do things that are out of the norm, to...
have that extra drink or have that extra piece of cake or cookie or the entire bag of candy, whatever works for you. But it's giving yourself grace. It's not beating yourself up around it. It's knowing, hey, this is OK, because this isn't a long term thing, right? Eventually, you're going to shift back to your routine. Eventually, you're going to start getting more sleep. If you need it now, give it to yourself. Allow whatever you need. Allow that ebb and flow.
One of the things I'd really invite you to do is look at what are priorities for you. So as we came together, my husband and I, well, I guess when we first had kids, we really looked at which holiday traditions from my family and from his family were important to us. And we tried to bring them together to mesh into new holiday traditions, which was great with one.
kid who was an infant. But now as we're trying to balance all of the different stuff, it's getting overwhelming. And so we really sat down this year to relook at what are the things that are high priority? What are the things we need to make sure that happen? And what are the things that are lower priority that are not going to be the biggest things? So we do an advent calendar in our family,
And where the advent calendar might have been something that was grand and fun, there have been years it's been a Hershey kiss in each and every day because that's the capacity I had. I kept the tradition, but I toned back how much I do. And that's okay. It's looking at when my daughter came home this year and she's like, my gosh, mom, everyone has elf on the shelf. I'm the only kid that doesn't get elf on the shelf.
Not saying, me go out and get an elf on the shelf. No, I've seen how much work that is. I don't have that in my life. I don't want that in my life. there's no judgment for those that do. It looks like fun. My daughter really would love it, but I know me and I know that level of creativity.
That level of commitment is going to drive me nuts. I'm not signing up for that. So it's OK to let her be disappointed and talk about different traditions. And I think it was a really good opportunity for us to talk about different traditions, to talk about different families do different things. And we have that conversation a lot as, you know, my son comes home and says.
My best friend gets to watch this movie and it's PG-13 and I'm like, nope, not gonna happen. Different families have different traditions and different rules. But there is that disappointment. And of course that disappointment feels yucky. So it's looking at what are the activities that are the priority for you, making sure those happen and letting other things slide. It's carving out time for activities that really bring you
You, Joy. Not just your family, you. So there are things like I love walking. I live in Fort Collins, Colorado. So we have Old Town and I love walking Old Town at Christmas with my husband, not my kids. So we do this every year. We carve out time for just the two of us and protect that time.
to go walk Old Town and get a coffee and go in and out of stores, even if we don't have the intention of buying, because a lot of times it ends up being closer to Christmas, where most of the things are already bought and sent. But it's just the experience. But I don't like going with my kids because my kids add that extra layer of stress that I have to watch them. I mean, just as a parent, you have to make sure that they're going through the store with you, that they're not...
going out somewhere else, that they're not picking up things, that they're not, you know, all of that stuff adds an extra stress. So there are things that I love to do with my kids. There are things that I want to do just for me and I protect those. There are Christmas movies and holiday movies I want to watch just for me that the rest of the family doesn't necessarily love. we always watched White Christmas with my mom and my sister.
And I love it. My kids are not fans. So I make sure to take time to watch White Christmas for me. It's allowing yourself time for activities that bring you joy, you happiness. I have a friend that she starts her day watching a Hallmark Christmas movie in bed every day. I don't have that space, but I love that she carves that out.
It's looking at what little things can bring you relaxation because it is a stressful time. For me, I absolutely love reading in front of the Christmas tree with like the lights down low and you know, the Christmas lights are twinkling. Like that is fun, relaxing time for me. So it doesn't take a lot, but it's just carving out that time.
It's making sure that I get out for a walk when I'm feeling just antsy. It's giving myself a few minutes of silence because I love the silence. Or it's allowing myself to really dive into a hobby. Be creative if I want to be creative. It's these small acts that can really provide a much needed recharge.
from the holiday stress. so as we are coming to an end of this festive season, I invite you to just commit to giving yourself grace.
It's about embracing the joy, navigating the chaos, and remembering that we're all in this together. So here's to a holiday season that is filled with love, connection, and hopefully a little less stress.
And my gift to you on this holiday, and you'll find it down in the show notes, is a little audio that's my confidence catalyst. And it is an eight minute audio. I think it's about eight minutes. It's under 10 that you get to listen to. That can help just boost how you feel about you.
And I want to let you know, because I think it is so important for all humans to hear and our brains respond better in the you are form than the I am form. So let me be the person, if you haven't heard it today, to tell you that you are incredible and you can do this and you are smart and you are fun and you are funny.
and you are making people's lives better just by being in it.
Thank you for being in my life. I am so grateful that you are here. I love you and I like you. And I wish you all the happiness to come your way this holiday season. We'll talk to you on the next episode.
Landy Peek (36:49)
Hey, before you go, just a little bit of legal. This podcast is designed for educational purposes only. It is not to replace any expert advice from your doctors, therapists, coaches, or any other professional that you would work with. It's just a chat with a friend, me, where we get curious about ideas, thoughts, and things that are going on in our lives. And as we're talking about friends, if you know someone who would benefit from the conversation today, please share.
Because I think the more that we open up these conversations, the more benefit we all get. So until next time, give yourself a big hug from me and stay curious because that's the fun in this world.
