Landy Peek (00:00)
Welcome to the Landy Peak Podcast. I'm your host and friend, Landy Peak, and I am thrilled to have you join me. In each episode, we will explore what makes life truly fulfilling. Happiness, deep connections, and self-discovery. Together, we'll uncover that happiness is not a destination, but a way of living. Now, let's dive into today's episode.
Landy Peek (00:32)
Hello there, friends. This is Landy Peak and welcome to this episode of the Landy Peak podcast. We're continuing an incredible series called Me in the Middle. In this series, over the next few weeks, we are going to dive into all those wild and wonderful changes life throws our way in our fabulous 40s.
You know those moments when you look in the mirror and you're not quite sure if you recognize yourself saying, wait, who am I anymore? We're getting into the heart of perimenopause, those sneaky identity shifts or identity crisis, the joys and chaos of parenting and the roller coaster ride of caring for aging parents. I mean, who really warned us about juggling all of these hats at once?
It's like one minute you're conquering the world and the next you're trying to remember why you walked into the room. So why not tackle these challenges together? in each episode, we will talk to an incredible woman just like you who is surviving this crazy time of life.
We'll share a story's advice, a few laughs, possibly a few tears. And
It's all about finding that sweet spot in the middle of this beautiful mess of life.
So get comfy, grab a cup of something delightful, and let's chat like old friends, figuring out this 40s thing together.
Landy Peek (02:02)
I am so excited that you have tuned in today because we have something super special lined up. You know how sometimes you meet someone and it just clicks?
Like you've known them forever, even though you just met. Well, that's how I feel about our guest today. Although we didn't just meet. When I met Ashley almost 20 years ago, we just clicked. Before we dive in, let me just say you're in for a treat. Our guest today, Ashley Stallings, is such an incredible human and is doing amazing things in her community. And her story is going to make you want to grab your favorite drink. Sit back.
and just soak it all in. You ever get that feeling where you just want to hit pause on life and listen to someone who can light up a room with their words? That's what we're all about today. Why don't I let our guest do the honors? Ashley, would you share a little bit about yourself? Sure, I'm glad to. First, thank you so much for having me.
And I can't believe that we met 20 years ago. I feel like it was a lifetime ago. I know, right? It was so many moons ago. A lifetime ago, right. Doing so many different things. But yeah, my name is Ashley Stallings. I currently live in Idaho. I'm a single mom to two kiddos. I have a boy that is 16, almost 17, and then a daughter who's 14.
so that is a really fun part of my life. And then also I founded and run a nonprofit, here in Southeast Idaho, where we work child abuse cases with law enforcement and prosecutors offices, providing interviews, and services throughout the criminal justice process, with all of region seven in Southeast Idaho. And, that's a little bit about me. I also love diet coke. Still love that. I'm sure. I remember the diet coke. Yeah.
I love traveling. love football. College football season is my favorite season. So we're in that right now. Yeah. So that's a little bit about me. And thanks again for having me. I'm so excited to chat because Ashley and I ended up being coworkers a long time ago. And it just kind of sparked this friendship and it was fun just being down in this crazy job.
We have touched base throughout the years and then lost track of each other for a while. And I had put out this post on Facebook saying, I'm doing this series, me in the middle. And Ashley said, I want to do it. And so I'm excited to reconnect as well as to dive in, in how we are living in this middle space of middle-ish age. hope middle age is more fifties than forties, but here we are. So.
Ashley, tell me a little bit about where you are in life and how you perceive yourself as me in the middle. Yeah, I was thinking about this the other day and I the middle is kind of where all my growth has been. You know, 20 years ago when I met you, I didn't know what I didn't know, right? Life hadn't really happened a lot yet. The middle, I think what I'm learning in the middle is
I'm just unlearning some things and really starting to dive into who am I? What do I think? What do I believe? What do I want to do? Like what changes in the world? What I like to see when, you know, earlier in life that wasn't really on my radar. There was other things on my radar. And so the middle has really been a time of growth and learning and unlearning. I would say. think unlearning is such a powerful statement because it's true. I'm in the same space.
where I have spent a lot of time unlearning things that I just took as fact, as truth about myself, about the world. And there is a lot of that shift in this middle space as you're, you know, you're parenting kids, you're in a business, you are running a business and doing incredible things. And I think part of it is we didn't even know, like you said, what we didn't know. And there's so much of the world that we hadn't experienced in this naive little self.
and it's really shifted. And I think, I mean, especially as a woman, think just deciphering all the messages that you get, right? I think that has been a very interesting place for me to be is what messages do I believe? What messages resonate with me? What don't, you know? And that has been a really interesting, I would say over the last maybe four or five years thing that I've dove into.
scary too, right? Sometimes ignorance is bliss, right? Like sometimes not knowing is, you know, kind of a place, it's a bubble, right? It's kind of scary to get out of that. But I also am a firm believer that, you know, the growth happens in the middle. The growth happens when we kind of burst that bubble and we start looking at ourselves and the world around us. And so that has been huge for me.
to kind of take that leap because it really is just learning what Ashley, you know, I just have kind of, I'm easygoing. I don't know if you remember, but I'm just easygoing. And so I just haven't, I didn't take a lot of time to kind of think about where I sit on issues or what I think or what I want. And so it's just been very interesting over the last five years and there's been mistakes and bumps in the road. And I'm like, yeah, that isn't what I wanted. Right? Some of that is learning that. So.
I mean, we do have those bumps in the road and you learn from the mistakes and it's like, okay, this isn't what I want. So it guides me a little bit more in what maybe I do want. So what are those things that you're really discovering about you? What are those messages that you've been challenging? What are those aha moments that are figuring out Ashley? I think it's so different in different areas of my life, right? It's so interesting. Like in my business, I really, the reason
I started my nonprofit is because I just wanted to help people. That's, know, my bachelor's degree is in psychology and then I have a master's in child advocacy and policy. And so helping people is really where my heart was at. It wasn't because I was really great at HR or leadership or wanting to be a boss of anyone. That wasn't my dream, you know? And so it's been interesting over the last few years.
You know, I co founded it with someone, but she has since left and it's just been solely on me. And so it's been a very interesting journey of what type of leader do I want? What type of culture do I want? What does research say is best? What, you know, what skills can I pick up? What can I do to find those skills? And, you know, my nonprofit is a child advocacy center and that is a very unique world with a lot of players. We work with
law enforcement, work with child protective services, we work with prosecutors, we work with juvenile probation, we work with schools, we kind of have to learn everybody's languages, because we have to be able to speak all of those. And so it's a very unique world in the fact that, you know, we are a team player, but we have no, like, at the end of the day, I can't charge someone and I can't take a kid out of the house. Does that make sense? Like, does.
We have no power, right? We might have opinions, but we don't have any power. so just, it's really been interesting to learn how to work with so many different types of personalities, cultures, languages, and how do we make that work so that we're all working for the greater good of this family and this child that is in the worst moment of their life. So that has been a learning curve for sure, but something I've
Honestly, the challenge of it has been really exciting and to see the growth and that our agency has had and like the trust that people have started to put into us has been really, really amazing. But it's definitely taken some work and some bumps and some good moments and some bad moments. And so that that is one thing that is really.
over the last few years has been huge for me as my career for sure. So how has Ashley evolved? As you're dealing with all of the different balancing acts with different languages and different agencies and different ideas and thought beliefs and everything coming together, you have also emerged as this leader, as this person who is such a strong advocate for those who often don't have big voices. How have you developed?
and changed and shifted and turned into Ashley now? I think it's really for me it's been I've had to learn to be brave to use my voice and obviously using your voice in the correct way because at the end of the day I always say this to you know my staff and to my interns you know you have to be able to have a thousand easy
get to know you conversations before you can really have a hard conversation. And so a lot of our job is that relationship building, because if I don't have a good relationship with my detectives or my prosecutor, then that really makes it difficult for me to advocate for a family. And so it really is the front end of it. It's having those relationships and building that trust as a team. But also part of it is being brave and knowing how to use your voice in a way that
inspires and is respectful versus I've worked with people that, you know, their voice comes across a little harder and a little my way or the highway. And that just really doesn't work. And at the end of the day, what I have to remember, even if I get emotional about a case or I think things aren't going the way I want them to go at the end of the day, I have to take a step back and say, if
I have like what's best for kids and families, you know, and what can I control? Because I can't control, like I said, if something gets charged or if a kid gets like taken out of a home or whatever, I can't control that. But what I can control is the services and support we provide kids and families. And so I've really had to learn.
to be responsive instead of reactive because it's heavy what we do. And of course we're passionate about it. We're not in it if we aren't passionate about helping kids and families. So it's a very interesting balance that I've really had to learn. How do you balance that personal aspect of Ashley that does have the emotional hits when you're working with kiddos that goes home and has no, it's horrific things happen in this world and also has to turn and be a mom.
and human and a person in the community and interacting with family. How do you balance and shift and still find Ashley? It is a skillset for sure. I've been doing this nine years now. And so I would say definitely in the beginning, I wasn't as good at leaving work at work. Now I am much better about that. The funny thing about what we do is you just never know when
a case is going to hit you funny. it's usually the ones that like you're not like, you're not expecting it, right? You're like, why is this hitting me so funny? And it's just being aware of that. And then, I mean, it's just making sure you have things in place. So do you have support systems in place? You know, part of our culture at work is we do debrief. You know, what we do is confidential. So I can't really talk to other people.
I can talk generally about what we do, but I can't really talk specifically about what we do to people or what we've heard. And so we really setting the culture of debriefing, setting the culture of if this hit you funny, come to my office. Like you're allowed to like take a little mental health break or a mental health day, those sorts of things. For me, like the gym, out, running, that has been really crucial to my mental health.
That's just a way that clears my mind, especially when it's jumbled and heavy. Traveling is huge for me. Taking vacation, taking those days off has been huge for me. And we've really set up our office in a way where, you know, it's easy to take days off. If you have things with kids, you're good to take days off. We have a lot of vacation time. You know, we just try and we work from home Thursdays and Fridays if we don't have cases or
meetings to go to. So we've tried to set up a culture where you can rest. I think one thing I've learned, and I think this is one good thing I got out of COVID, is there is a big difference between laziness and resting. There's so much power that comes in resting. And I really try to have that culture in what we do is if you need a rest, if you need a break, please speak up.
Like don't suffer in silence. Cause I've seen the opposite too, where someone's like, I'm going to just push through this even though I'm having a rough time. And then it just doesn't end well, you know? And I've done that myself too, where I just pushed and pushed and pushed and kept everything bottled up and, that doesn't end well. It doesn't know. Cause we do need that. And I love the difference between being lazy and rest and how important rest is. What does rest look like for you?
That's interesting. Because I don't want to be like watching reality TV. Which is okay, right? We can rest and watch reality TV. That is my favorite thing. I really think for me, it's any way I can kind of turn my brain off, right? So that might look like reality TV, but that like might look like the treadmill or it might look like watching football or it might look like
baking or cooking, or it might look like I'm sitting down and playing a card game with my kids. You know, it's just very different depending on the day or where I'm at or what's happening. But it's really any activity where I just I don't have to be like on, right? Does that make sense? It makes complete sense. huh. I feel like in my job and in my life, you know, I have to be on a lot of the time. And so any activity that allows me to just
not be like on and like thinking and what am I like what am I saying how am I saying it like those are the activities so things with friends you know anything where I just feel super relaxed and comfortable where I can just kind of let everything else go though those are what I need yeah so how do you walk that line between rest and what does lazy look like
You know, that is a fine line. I think for me, I just have to honestly check my motivation, right? So what is my motivation for sitting in my bed right now and watching reality TV? Is it because I sat in a room with a kid today that told me a really hard story and I just need a minute to unplug? Or am I...
Am I using it as...
you know, how much am I using it? Am I using it in a way that's detrimental? So am I like not paying attention to my kids? Am I not, you know, in what context am I doing it? And for me, I really do have to check it because, you know, I'll blame my job. I don't know if that's true, but you know, what I do is heavy. And so it is really easy to traipse into the, didn't process it. I just want to ignore it versus
I just need a second to breathe and then I'll process it. If that makes sense. It makes absolute sense. I know somebody who has worked with heavy trauma. Like I get that difference. It's the I'm taking a break and letting my system just be and I can have distractions and I'm avoiding it because I think that
that dive into, am just not even processing it. I'm not going there. I'm not even acknowledging it gets into that. Well, I'm just going to lay here and be lazy. I'm just going to ignore the world. It's turning off completely versus using it as a vacation. Does that resonate? Yes, that resonates. You said it way prettier than me. Yes. That is exactly what I was trying to say. I got the benefit of being able to just redo what you said. So didn't have to think of the original.
But it is, and especially when as humans, we are working with other humans who are going through really, really difficult times in their lives. Heavy things that I never thought I would sit and hear. And you still, at the end of the day, have to go out and be a human in other aspects of your life. Where if you do, and I know personally, I have sat with trauma, because it does, you never know when it's gonna hit you funny. And I love...
that phrase hit you funny because that's what it is. It sometimes takes you like completely by surprise. But if I haven't debriefed it, if I haven't processed it, it can start niggling in the back of your head and then it impacts how you're a partner, how you're a family member, how you're a parent. And I know it starts like wearing on me. And so that's when I'll find myself completely like unplugging.
and hiding and that's I think more that lazy versus I'm going to do something that just allows me to have space whether it's watching tv whether it's reading whether it's playing games whether it's going out and doing stuff with friends that more is giving myself space versus I'm avoiding it and I think the avoiding it feels heavier it's like when I'm done avoiding it and doing that kind of lazy activity I don't feel any better
versus when I'm doing that restful activity, I feel better at the end.
Exactly. And I think that's, and that's when you check in with yourself and you're like, Whoa, yeah. How do I feel? Does it, do I feel better or do I feel worse or the same? And so I've really learned I've, I've had to check myself. The other thing I was thinking about when you were talking to that, I'm really trying for myself and then also for my staff. you know, I've sat through a lot of secondary trauma training. It's kind of part of the game, right? Like it's part of what we have to do. and like,
the whole notion of being grateful, know, like gratitude journals or whatever, however that looks like for you has really resonated with me. And so I've really tried to shift my mindset. And then even at the office where, you know, when good things happen, we're like, look how luck, like, look how blessed we are. Look how lucky we are. Like, look at all the good things that happened this week, you know, and really trying, because when you're looking for those things, you see them more often, right?
It's not like they're happening more often. It's just you're more aware of them. And I really think a sense of gratitude and feeling like, you know, things are working out in our favor has really been a great mind shift for me as well. I mean, there was like a trend on TikTok about like lucky girl syndrome. And so just saying like, after anything good happened, you know, like that the light didn't turn red when you were going through the, you know, the yellow light.
I'm just the luckiest girl in the world. know, everything works out for me. But it's interesting when you switch that mindset, because once again, I feel like I've said it a thousand times, what we do is so heavy that it's easy to kind of live in that negativity or, the world is bad or, you know, so many bad things are happening. And so I think kind of like turning that around and saying, but what are the good things that are happening? You know, it has been.
huge for myself personally, just in my life in general. But also I think that's definitely something, you know, that's a culture shift, especially with the work we do. And the partners we have work with have really heavy jobs too. They see a ton of horrible things. And so I think just bringing that like attitude of gratitude, I guess, is, has been something that I've really been thinking about and working towards as well. I think it's so important because it's balancing the scales.
when you work with trauma, when you work with my husband's law enforcement, so he also sees like the negative of negative, it's really easy to have that be your filter, to be the glasses that you wear and you see the negative and you see the bad and you see the not good things about humanity. And you do need that balance, that shift that says, no, there is good, because it's really easy and I have done it.
where I'm like, my gosh, everybody's awful. Everybody's evil. Like I can't let my kids go anywhere because, you know, whatever's gonna happen. But you have to start seeing that balance because it's too easy to tip into the dark side. And I love that. And I do the same, the attitude of gratitude, celebrating the little things. I love the lucky girl, but celebrating, my gosh, parking spot opened up right when I was coming down the line. You know, here it is.
all of those little celebrations and I make a point with myself, with my family, with my clients to highlight celebrating those little victories. doesn't matter how big they are, but you have to see that positive. You have to celebrate those little things because it's too easy to have the scales tip and you need that positive. And I love that lucky girl. I love the way that you're celebrating it. And I think it's such an incredible thing. And it says so much about you.
that you are setting the culture in your organization to do this. This isn't just you doing it on your own, but really setting that whole culture in that we can take a mental health day. You do get to work from home a lot. We do get to debrief and process. And you're working with incredibly heavy things on a daily basis, but even in a daily life, it's easy if you're not dealing with the heavy.
to see the negative because maybe you got a ticket, maybe there's something happening, whatever is going on, your kid got in trouble. It's easy to focus on that instead of focusing on the good things that are happening in life. And we need to do both. We need that good positive balance.
So how have you maintained a sense of Ashley and an identity within the realm of being a mom, within the realm of leading this incredible organization within your community? How do you find you? How do you balance you?
That has also been a journey. Because I think for people that are in helping professions, I think, okay, I'm not gonna speak generally. For me, I was in a helping profession. That's kind of my identity or was, right? And so my identity has very much been wrapped around helping people. But sometimes I lose myself. And I've really had to learn that
boundaries are okay, saying no is okay, taking care of myself is okay, that my stuff is just as important as everybody else's. I really, you know, through a lot of my own therapy and my own work have just learned, you know, that I kind of had a tendency of my voice, my thoughts, my opinions, my feelings, my problems are not important, but everybody else's is, you know?
And so I've really had to learn to unlearn that and learn, you know, and I think the universe has a funny way of continuing to bring people and things and situations in your life until you learn certain lessons. And so I think I just attracted a lot of people in my life, you know, that I wanted to help and I wanted to help so badly that I started to lose pieces of myself.
and so learning that it doesn't make me a bad person. If I say, you know what I love and I will support you in this way, but I can't follow you down that road because that's unhealthy for me. Right. And so that has been really interesting. in all aspects of my life, not feeling guilty for that, like I would feel such guilt. and so just learning that.
actually, I can't really do my best helping if I'm not healthy myself. And so it's been interesting to kind of make that mind shift of you can help people, but you can also have boundaries. And that has been a really new thing for me. I hear you. I feel the same. you. Similar backgrounds, but having that you put everybody above yourself and
You know, grew up with, you have that servant heart and you you put that forward and you were there to serve. But there are boundaries and there are conversations that we can have with our family members because that's, think one of the biggest conversations it's easier for me at least to do it with people outside of my personal realm to hold those boundaries around work, to hold those boundaries, you know, in the times I'm available. But when, and I, I, I really cued into something that you said, but
when I'm having those conversations of I can support you, but I'm not going down that same road because that's not healthy for me. I think those are huge conversations that were a struggle, still probably are for me, in the family situations where it's like, wait, I am me too, and I get to hold my boundaries. And I noticed for myself, even with my kids, I kind of trained them.
to just kind of walk over me that their needs were more important than mine. And I hit a point where I'm like, uh-uh, you're not babies anymore. You can get your own snacks. You can get your own water bottles. I don't have to do this. And having to have those conversations where it shifted, where it's like, no, mom's doing this. You can go get it. And having that little, I don't know with my kids was an eye-opening thing. I also had those deep conversations with my partner and, you know, I get to be me.
I get to have my things and that's okay. But those inner realm boundaries, I think are so hard to really put up and maintain. Because, you know, when somebody's sad and upset with you that you love, it's like, well, should I just go ahead and give? And no, we have to maintain those boundaries. We have to maintain a healthy you. Exactly. And I think for me,
Same as you resonates with me, like in my work, I'm much better at it. You know, other places I'm, I'm much better at it. You know, I also I'm see, you know, single, I'm dating and that has added like a whole other, you know, that's like a whole other podcast, you know, but understanding all of that, because I, you know, I was married when I was 19. So, his, then divorced when I was, I was like,
20 years later. whatever that math is So, um, you know, entering the dating world has been so interesting for me as well. And, know, learning to date, learning to set those boundaries, learning what I allow in my life, learning what I want out of a partner, um, what I'm going to allow, you know, and me and my kids life has been
such an interesting journey as well, you these last four years trying to just figure that out. you know, I think I've always, you know, I just, I don't want to lose myself ever again is kind of where I'm at, you know? And so I just am trying to be very mindful and intentional in all aspects of my life of, you know,
Once again, I will always be a helper. I will always have that servant heart. That's just who I am. But I can't do it at the expense of losing myself. And I have done that a few times and it just hasn't been good for me, for my kids, for just all of that. And so that has been an interesting, like I said, journey as well to kind of navigate and figure out in my...
late 30s, early 40s. Right? Because it is such a huge shift and dating when you're in teens, early 20s is completely different than who you are now. how has it been to be in that late 30s, early 40s in a whole different, I'm guessing more
confident, more self-assured human to now look at partners in a very, very different way. I mean, I think it's definitely taken me a minute to get to more confident. I think that has been a journey trying to figure out, you know, my worth and understand that I'm
infinitely worthy and enough, you know? absolutely. And that has been a journey. And I think those are things that I have said for a long time. But I, I'm being honest with myself, there, it isn't what I believed, you know? And now I do believe that. And it has, like I said, I mean, that's been a lot of therapy, a lot of energy work. I mean, there's a lot of things I have done throughout the years to kind of get me to that. I always say to like,
I'm not back to the old Ashley, but I'm not a brand new Ashley too. I'm this great melding of both. The old Ashley is there, but it's definitely an improved version of the Ashley 20 years ago. Because I'm still essentially who I am, right? Those things don't just go away, but I've definitely, I'm improved a lot and I have done a lot of things to try to.
make sure that I'm growing and progressing and allowing things and people and situations in my life that, you know, like compliment that. Does that make sense? It makes complete sense. And weaving back to when you first began, you talked about unlearning things. And I think that's the biggest part of the journey is we're still who we are, right? I'm still the same Landy. I just let go of a bunch of shit that was weighing me down.
And it sounds like you're still the same Ashley. You've just really looked at beliefs and thoughts and things that weren't serving you and saying, okay, I'm going to let those go so that I can really step forward. And it's a constantly evolving journey because there's always something new that's challenging and always something that's like, I don't know for me, I feel like that whole self worth thing. I go through so much therapy and I'm finally to the spot. Like I'm good. I really like myself.
And then something tips and I'm like, fuck here. I'm here again. And it's like, I thought I healed this. No, it's an evolving thing. And we go to that next level, new level, new devil, and we're up a little bit. But there's still things that are gonna tap into that little us that is still trying to heal that little girl inside, that's still trying to be valued and worthwhile when maybe society didn't tell us that we were.
but that's a really deep wound. And I think, you know, we keep going and going and maybe someday we'll get it. But I like when we hit that level spot of like, I'm okay. Yeah. And I think, like I said, I think the universe is just, or God, whatever you believe. think it's, it's always like, Hey, do you want to go back there? Like, do you really believe this? Like you're saying you're trying, you're living, you're trying to live it, but
Hey, we're gonna put this, dangle this carrot and see like, are you actually going to, do you actually believe that? Do you actually, you know, and for me, one huge thing, I'm a Virgo. So if you know what that means, I've had to really learn to let go of control and that the only control I have is of myself. And I've really had to learn to trust that
universe God, you know, has a plan that's probably way better than I could ever sit down and plan myself, even though my little Virgo heart loves planning and loves lists like that's who I am. But just leaning into, you know, that sometimes I think we get so caught up in the mechanics. And when I say us, me, you know, everything has to be laid out and there has to be a plan and there has to be a list.
But sometimes we get so caught up in mechanics, forget that if we just continue to move forward and we're doing our best and we're walking forward, that's all we need to be doing. Like the mechanics sometimes is the weeds and we get caught up in that. And so I've just really learned to let control go.
I can only control certain things and I will gladly control those certain things that I can. And then everything else, I kind of just have to put trust that what's meant for me is mine and I can't lose it. And what's meant to be is going to happen. even in my work agency, we've had a couple instances where we could have gone under a couple of times.
But I've always known in the work I do that the agency is supposed to be here. And so even when our federal funding gets cut, even when things get hard, I know for a fact that we will be around and we will survive and we will continue because the work that we're doing is so important and so needed. And so I've tried to take that attitude in my work and put it also in my personal life, which is a lot harder to do for me in my personal life.
because I don't have as much trust in my personal life as I do the work I do. Like I know the work I do is important, you know? And so it's been an interesting shift trying to have that same attitude of, whatever is meant to be in my life is gonna be in my life. And I will know if something's not for me. you know, just trusting, that has been a huge word for me this year is just trusting myself, trusting the universe, trusting God, just trusting.
that everything is gonna work out how it's supposed to. I think that's such a huge thing, because trust is so hard for many of us, me included. And I love how the mechanics are in the weeds, because that's exactly what it is. It's when we're really stuck in making things work, having everything lined out, all of the, is how it's going to be, how it should be, how it needs to be. And we're losing the trust because we're like forcing it.
And that's when I'm finding that I'm the most stagnant in my life. When I'm the most, have the most angst is when I'm focusing on the mechanics. And it's tipping over into the trust, which is really hard, especially when you're not seeing what you want actually materialized in your life. Where you're like, okay, I'm just gonna trust that this new career, this new partner, this new, whatever it is, is going to be there. I'm gonna trust that what I have is gonna continue. And...
that trust is really hard when it's not there in your hands. And that's when I tend to go into the mechanics, into the weeds, like can I push it, force it, which makes me feel worse. I love that trust is your word for this year. I think that should be something that we're all really leaning into.
Yes. And it wasn't, it's not easy. It's not easy. And it's not perfected by any stretch of the imagination because, know, um, but it's kind of that same concept of, think I've said that for years, but have I actually believed it or, um, practice it probably not as well as I have in the last six months to a year. Um, I've just, you know, and I am older and life has taken its hits on me. And, know, I feel like.
I've kind of gotten to a point, even though some of the things I've been through, you you don't wish on anybody, but those are the things that have kind of got me to the point where it's like, okay, but what are you gonna do? Like, how are you gonna pick up these pieces? What do you really believe? What do you want in life and how do you make that happen? And oddly enough for me, the answer right now has been the way I make it happen is I have to let go of.
control. Yeah, I do too. I don't like it. I want that control. I don't like giving up control. I definitely know like when I'm stressed, the control comes back in. But I think that's such a powerful thing is that when we can trust when we can let go, it's when things become easy. But it's so hard to get yourself to that space where, you know, we can let go.
And we can not control everything and just kind of ride the wave at the same time like you're trying to grip it. You know, like, no, no, I can't do this. Like, okay, relax, relax, ride the wave. Nope, nope, nope, can't do it. And that's my existence is this like give and take where I can do it for a little bit. And then something freaks me out and I'm like controlling again. And when you try to ride back into it and it's an evolving journey.
And I think for me, I, you know, especially when I'm dating and people are like, what do you want? Where are you at? Like all that stuff. I, just am in a place in my life. I'm 43 now. I'm so old. You're not old. I'm 44. So I've got you beat. I, you know, I've worked so hard. Like I've worked so hard in my career. My kids, are a freshman and a junior. So I am getting really close.
to that, you know, I mean, I always be parent. Yeah, I'll always be parent obviously, but them here 24 seven, you know, all of that is I'm really close to being done with that. And I just, I feel like I've worked so hard to get to this point in my life. I mean, you remember what it's, I mean, you're more that in that area, but like, you the changing of the diapers and the, do you get them to sleep and all of that, like that I've done all of those things.
that really, at this point in my life, peace and happiness is my number one thing. And I have the ability to travel and I have the ability to this freedom that I haven't had for a lot of years. And I just wanna enjoy the sunset of my life. That's where I'm at. And so whatever I need to do to make sure I'm happy and peaceful, and then anybody else that wants to be a part of my life, that's kind of where they have to be as well because
I just have done so much work to get here that I just feel like now is my time to enjoy it and to, you know, learn and grow and go places and meet new people and do new things. so that's kind of where I'm at is anything in my life that doesn't bring peace and happiness just probably isn't for me. Now saying that I understand life is life and people are people and I'm open.
to the, there's bumps and there's things. mean, I obviously don't live in fear of the world, but generally speaking, you know, that's kind of where I'm at in life is I just want peace and happiness. And so anything that, or anybody that comes into my life that is down with that, I'm, I'm, I'm here for it. Right. have to match that energy because there is that space in our forties that, and I'm not to the freedom stage that you are. I'm still like first grader and fourth grader. So I'm not changing diapers. Thank goodness.
But I am still really there. And I truly appreciate the freedom of them being able to go to the bathroom and wipe their butts by themselves. I mean, there is some freedom there, but they can't get themselves to school. They're not doing their homework without me saying, you know, got to do your homework. But there is that space and energy of, want to enjoy this. I want to really take in those sunsets. I want to find that peace and happiness. I'm
They're energetically with you and I totally agree where there's a lot of weeding out of the energies that aren't there. The energies that are really heavy. The energies that are let sit and complain. You know, there's evolving of friendships where it's like, every time I hang out with this person, all the conversation is, is this complaining. I don't want to spend that much time. I want to spend more time with someone who is really in the appreciation.
and let's go do something fun. Let's go travel. Let's go experience life. And I think there is that balance. And I don't know if it's just the 40s or if it's just life stages or what gets us here, but this is where I am. Yeah, I think I'm like how much, you know, I don't feel like I'm that old, but in my head, I'm like sounding like I'm, you know, close to death or something. No, not at all. We're just finally.
saying, okay, life is more about me. And I'm still gonna be here in CERV. We both are in helping healing professions. We both grew up with servant hearts and we will maintain that. That's part of who we are. If I don't have that service in my life, I feel funny. But there's also boundaries that we're having. there is more of holding those boundaries.
of I get to be me and I am just as valuable as what I do. And I think that's a hard step, a big step in really seeing our own worth and hearing our own voices and that that is something that's powerful and something that's valuable. And there is that kind of interesting shift as we're stepping into this. So we're not looking at, you we're dying, but we are.
in this space of, I spent a whole lot of my life serving somebody else, including our kids, because being a mom with little, little kids is incredibly intensive and overwhelming. And so there is this new space of like, hey, I can be a human too. And, you know, I remember, and it's different from when you're younger though. You know, when you look at like the freedom of being a teen or early twenties without kids, and I just kind of blissfully went through.
I didn't really, he hadn't had the hits yet, the struggles yet in the way that it has evolved and made you really appreciate what you have. Well, I think the irony in all of it is, you know, it was reshifting that guilt or that feeling like I was being selfish, right? Yeah. Especially like I show up as such a better human, like a boss, better mom, a better partner, a better friend, a better daughter. When I take those
times for myself or I set those boundaries. Like boundaries really are a loving act. They're not mean, they're not selfish. Like it really means this is how like I want you in my life. And so I'm giving you the playbook on how you get to be like how this is gonna really be great for you to be in my life. it's just been an interesting shift of not looking at it as a selfish thing, but, and just actually practicing it and then understanding
my gosh, like I'm showing up so much better in all areas of my life because I've set these boundaries, because I found worth in myself and taken time for myself and the things that I need to be a better human. And I think that's such a huge thing is it's those boundaries are a loving act. And I'm the same having more boundaries allows me to be a better human in that I'm so much less reactive.
because I've had that space and time to myself. So things don't feel overwhelming. When things are erupting, it's a lot easier to stay within me and be okay within me instead of being triggered and pulled out in all these different directions.
And I think I used to find like you were worth more or you were like a better human if you were like so busy and doing all the things and saying all the things, you know? And now it's going back to that rest piece. I just feel like I'm actually a better human when I know when I need to rest, when I know when I need to say, no, that's not really for me, you know? And I'm
I'm sure you've experienced this and a lot of people have too. You there was a time where I said yes to everything, but then I was resentful, you know, I didn't actually want to do it. But you thought it, or at least I thought it would make me seem more valuable, more likeable if I did say yes, if we were doing all these big things. A lot of the outside world views were more important than my internal view.
Yeah, and now I say yes to the things that really resonate with me or that, you know, are things that I really find a lot of value and, you know, those sort of things. mean, those, and so I, the things I say yes to, I really love and I want to do, and I'm showing up fully. Exactly. And I think that's such a powerful statement is the things that, you know, are really important to you. You're showing up fully and we can show up fully.
because we're not pulled in a thousand different directions. We have those boundaries in place.
So is there anything that you would like to share with the listeners just in being in the middle, in feeling all these pulls, but being able to maintain who you are, evolve into who you are, set those boundaries, any little nugget that might help somebody who's listening feeling the same, or maybe who's a year or two behind you and still feeling that big struggle of finding your own value and setting those boundaries.
I mean, I think for me, the biggest thing I've learned is not to be scared of the middle or the messes. I mean, that's kind of where you find yourself. And so if you find yourself in the middle of a mess, you know, and I feel like my middle for me personally has been a little messy, but it's where the most growth and opportunities to learn and progress have been. so, you know, there was a quote and I don't even know who it was.
you know, like sometimes you just have to walk through the fire and, you know, and that's how you become fireproof, you know, and that's unfortunate. But I just have learned that to be appreciative of the lessons and the middle and the mess, because that's where my growth has really been. I love that. Lean into the mess. That is where we truly grow.
And it's when we try to avoid it and try to avoid that discomfort that we're just kind of delaying the inevitable, that we're gonna have the mess land in our laps and we get to just ride through it and life is messy and that's okay.
Yeah, that's exactly right. Like don't, it's okay. It's okay. And honestly everything and things will work out. They really will. They really will. And, you know, especially like being a mom to younger kids and all of that. mean, everybody says it, but it's true. Like it goes by in a blink of an eye and man, when you raise your own little humans, that's the coolest job ever. So.
you know, if you're in the middle of that stress, you know, this too shall pass. And like when I'm thinking about my son being a senior next year, that's, you know, half of me is like, that's so exciting. And then half of me is like panicked about it, you know? So it's just an interesting season of life. But I think just enjoying every season of life you're in, enjoying, you know, trying to find,
enjoyment in the messes, the lessons in the messes. I always say, everything's either a blessing or a lesson. I love that. So that's how I try to live my life. I'm not perfect at it, but it's how I try. I love that. I don't think any of us are perfect at it, but that's such a beautiful way to view it. It's either a blessing or a lesson. And if we can lean into those messes, learn from the messes.
see what value we can pull from the messes, but also know the mess is okay, and it's not gonna last forever.
Exactly. Well, Ashley, thank you so much for joining me. This has been such an incredible conversation. I am just so grateful that we were able to do this. Same. Thank you for having me.
Landy Peek (53:17)
Hey, before you go, just a little bit of legal. This podcast is designed for educational purposes only. It is not to replace any expert advice from your doctors, therapists, coaches, or any other professional that you would work with. It's just a chat with a friend, me, where we get curious about ideas, thoughts, and things that are going on in our lives. And
As we're talking about friends, if you know someone who would benefit from the conversation today, please share because I think the more that we open up these conversations, the more benefit we all get. until next time, give yourself a big hug from me and stay curious because that's the fun in this world.
