Landy Peek (00:00)
Welcome back to the Landy Peak Podcast. This is your host and friend, Landy Peak, Today's episode is a special one because we're wrapping up the Me in the Middle series, our deep dive into what it means to be a woman in her 40s.
navigating the beautiful, messy, in-between space of midlife. We've talked about the shifting roles, the identity questions, the challenges of balancing kids, career, and everything in between. We've tackled topics like perimenopause, purpose, and self-care. Not the trendy surface-level stuff, but the real, deep work of putting yourself back on your own priority list.
And as we close out the series, I wanna leave you with one of the biggest lessons that I have learned. Sometimes we spend too much time knocking on closed doors when we should be looking for the open ones. Now, this idea has been a game changer for me. And today we're gonna talk about how to stop forcing what isn't working.
and start paying attention to what is. Because midlife isn't about just surviving. It's about choosing what feels good, what's aligned, and what truly lights you up. Have you ever found yourself chasing something that just isn't working anymore? Closed door. You are putting all of this effort, you're showing up, you're pushing through, you're
trying every possible angle. Yet, nothing seems to budge.
It's like you're knocking on a locked door, waiting, hoping, praying that someone opens the door, that you can finagle the lock enough that maybe if you shimmy and shift around it, the door will finally open. But it never does. I've been there. And let's be honest, we've all been taught to keep knocking.
to keep working, to keep pushing harder, to push through, believe that persistence is the key to success. And there have been so many times in my life where I have kept pushing when it feels like every door shuts. It feels like I'm not making any momentum. And I feel like some of the time in this midlife space, we are pushing for things that we thought we wanted.
that we think we should want. We are pushing so hard that we never pause and actually look around and say, okay, so this is closed, it's not working. But what is What doors are open?
And I think maybe we've been looking at it all wrong. What if instead of banging on doors that refuse to open, we start instead paying attention to the ones that are already wide open? Because sometimes those doors that are wide open feel easy, even too easy. And I know sometimes in my life, those things that feel too easy, those things that feel too easy,
the serendipitous things, the synchronicities that happen in life. I don't feel like I've worked hard enough to get them. So subconsciously, I'll even make it harder. But what if instead we allowed ourselves to just walk through the ones that are already wide open for us? That's what we're diving into today.
how to shift from struggle and resistance to flow and ease, how to recognize when it's time to stop forcing something and instead to follow what feels good. So why do we keep chasing the wrong things? Why do we spend so much time and energy trying to control things, force outcomes, or fix people?
Well, number one, because we've been taught to focus on what we don't have. Now think about it. As you grew up, what were the messages that you got? Did you have someone in your ear telling you to focus on all the things you have? And yes, we have count your blessings and gratitude, and that's all really important. But what are the bigger messages?
Did you ever hear when you brought home a B, why didn't you get an A? have you ever heard the message that you should be a certain way?
Maybe you should be more like your older sister or your older brother. Maybe you should be something different. You should be smarter. You should be better. You should be prettier. You should be, I mean, how many shoulds do here? And yes, we have the conscious thought of yes, we need to count our blessings. But that's not what our brains have been taught to focus on because the consistent message for many of us,
is focus on what we don't have.
When you look at your bank account, do you see opportunities for growth or do you see the lack of money?
How many times as a kid did you hear, we don't have enough for that. That's too expensive. Right? We are taught to focus on what we don't have. instead of seeing the opportunities in front of us, we dwell on what's missing and what we still need to bring in, what we still need to get, what we could do better.
We obsess over the things that aren't working and ignore the things that are. And how much of this do we do in our now lives, our current lives, right now? How much do you focus on what you don't have? I mean, a huge part of manifesting is looking at what you don't have. And we focus on what we don't have. And if we journal about what we don't have every day,
Our focus continues about what we don't have, right? We look in our relationships about what we don't have. so we have some friends that live in our neighborhood and the husband, he's really good about getting out. He shovels every time have snow.
He shovels the walk, he shovels the driveway before anybody is even up and out. Their driveway is one of the first ones to ever be shoveled. And that's awesome. My husband doesn't do that. He's not the one to get up early, and he does leave really early for work, but he's not the one to get up early and go shovel before work. And it's really easy to get into the comparison game.
is really easy to look at, my gosh, my neighbor always does this, my husband never does this. At the same time, I'm looking at what I don't have instead of looking at what I do have. No matter how early, my husband doesn't shovel the drive, but he does sweep off my car every time it snows. Even if he leaves at five in the morning.
and it's hours before I'm gonna leave, I come out and my car has been swept off. So I can choose to focus on what my husband does, Or I can choose to focus on what my husband doesn't do. And that's where our brains are trained, to focus on what we don't have. In the comparison games, we're looking at what we don't have.
we focus on what we don't have. Now another way that we're focusing on the closed door is we've been taught to focus on what we can't control. Now a lot of this could be trauma response, right? If you've experienced trauma in your life and you're trying to, your nervous system is dysregulated, you're really trying to control everything outside of you so that you feel okay.
We micromanage situations. We micromanage relationships. And we even try to micromanage other people's reactions. How many times do we do this with kids? my goodness. Happened this morning, got snow this morning, threw us all off, and trying to get the kids out the door for school.
and we have a meltdown over shoes because my son does not want to wear snow boots. He wants to wear his regular shoes, but it's really, really cold and we have snow. So snow boots were the shoes he needed to wear. I'm not going to send him to school in tennis shoes. Now personal choice, right? I'm micromanaging. Yes, I could send him out in tennis shoes and that could be a natural consequence, but I also know...
how cold and snowy and how miserable he'd be the rest of the day. So we can send tennis shoes, he can change into them, and he needs to wear his boots. Parent choice needs to wear the boots.
But what happens, and I'm trying to micromanage his reactions, is really saying, like, get over it, don't cry, keep going. We've got two minutes to walk to the car. I really don't have time or energy this morning to sit and have a shoe melt down. Get your shoes on and go. Which was kind of my response this morning. Not kind of, it was my response this morning.
But instead, if I had taken a moment and really honored him and really been able to sit and say, I get how frustrating it is and how much you really want to wear your shoes.
Not trying to just railroad over the reaction, get your shoes on and get to the car, but allowing him to be him. I may have had a different outcome. We may have had a smoother morning.
But we think if we just do everything right, if we can make things go our way, life is gonna be easier. And spoiler alert, it doesn't work that way.
the more that we try to micromanage and force people into what we think their reaction should be, their thoughts should be, their experiences should be. If we try to control everything, and I know as soon as I get stressed, like the control freak comes out, let me do the dishes, let me get it done. And my husband knows just to back off and let me recognize and calm down.
it still comes out in those moments of high stress.
And he doesn't micromanage. He steps back and says, OK, do your crazy thing. And we go. And we don't get hurt feelings. And I'm able to shift out. But we are taught that if we can control it, then we can make it better. Right? We can feel better. But we end up feeling worse, which is what happened this morning.
I felt yucky going to school, my son felt yucky going to school, my daughter felt yucky going to school, and she wasn't even involved in it. She was just there.
So if we can let go, give ourselves permission to change the rules, and we don't have to focus on what we can't control, instead we focus on what we can. And this has been such a huge guideline for me in my life in the last few years, especially now that like all the political and world stuff that are going on, it's so easy to focus on.
my gosh, can you believe what's going on in the world? Can you believe this policy? Can you believe this thing? Can you believe what so and so said? Right? It doesn't have to even be grand scale world. It can be in our personal life. How much time do we spend gossiping? How much time do we focus on other people? Right? Instead of focusing on us. And really, the only person
that you can control, the only things that you can control are you. The only person that you're responsible for, unless you have itty bitty kids, then of course you have to keep them alive. But the only person that you are truly responsible for, 100 % responsible for, is you.
Another thing that really keeps us knocking on those closed doors is we focus on what we should do. We've learned, and this is learned, what society expects of us. We learn what our upbringing expects of us. Even our inner critic, they're all telling us that there's a right way to do life, that we have to follow the traditional path.
that success and happiness come from hustle and sacrifice and struggle because that's what we saw our parents do and that's what they saw their parents do.
My grandmother grew up in the depression. And so there are so many beliefs, thought patterns, and behaviors that then were passed down to my dad, that then were passed down to me. And as I'm going through and weeding my garden, really looking at this really doesn't apply to today. But beliefs are just thoughts that we keep repeating and that we've bought into.
And the cool thing is that we can change those thoughts.
So another way that we knocking on closed doors is we focus on controlling those around us. We try to mold our kids, our partners, our friends, into versions of them that we think will bring us peace or validation. But when we do this, we don't allow them to be who they truly are.
Now the funny thing is, as I'm really aware of this in myself,
I've noticed, especially with my kids and husband, people that are closest to me, really how some of their behaviors make me on edge. And I've watched my husband especially, and he makes a lot of jokes. He's a really funny human being and people love him, but his sense of humor is not always
my sense of humor. And so the things that he will say at work to his bosses, and he's really well loved, but knowing that and feeling that are very different for me. So the things that he'll say to his bosses sometimes make me cringe. Like, my gosh, how can you say that? How can you do that? And it's not that he's doing anything wrong. It's that it doesn't align.
with the beliefs and thoughts that I've bought into. It's totally fine for him. But as I hear it, it's like, oh, cringe. Like could never talk to a boss the way that he does. But it works for him. And as long as I can let him be him and not feel the need to fix it, because I think people will look at him
or me because I'm related to him and think poorly of us. It's the same thing I see with my kids. I remember my daughter coming home and she's like, fourth grade, I wanna dye my hair purple. And the initial part in me is like, no, nope, nope on a rope, not gonna happen. That does not conform into what I think a little girl should be.
We've been dyeing her hair since the beginning of fourth grade and she's a really fun purple stripe and purple tips and she loves it. And her purple hair gives her so much confidence, but I had to really sit with why am I not okay with this? Because it doesn't align with the beliefs of what I've bought into the thoughts I've continued to think of what a little girl should look like. And so
As I've shifted, it's not hurting anybody. It gives her confidence. It's fun. It's not permanent. Like, what does it hurt? Why is this not okay? But it's sitting there and questioning how I want to control. How I want to control behaviors. My little guy absolutely loves army and guns and camo and especially at school.
I have the cringe of like, my gosh, he's not the only one. There's a ton of little boys out there running around in camo and playing army and war and all that kind of stuff, right? But my thoughts come to, this is what should be. And I feel like sometimes I want to censor him when I know ultimately it's not hurting anyone. He's not talking about hurting other people.
He's not doing anything inappropriate. It just doesn't fit with what I think people, me, should be doing.
when we don't allow people to be who they truly are?
We're not loving them for them. We're loving them conditionally. And so it's hard to swallow for me because I totally am like, I love my family unconditionally, except, which means I love them conditionally. And it really worked to explore those feelings that come off of like, that's not appropriate. I mean, why? Why do I care?
And it comes down to, why do I care? Because I am worried about what other people will think. And when I challenge those beliefs, does everybody think that? Well, no.
100 % of the time is that the case? Well, no. So when I challenge those beliefs, I can really come to, that's just a thought pattern that I've picked up along the way and I can choose to change it. And then I can allow them to be them. I can love more unconditionally without those, but could you just stay in the little boundaries that I need you to stay in?
Because when we try to control people, it doesn't work. when we're knocking on closed doors, we're trying to force what isn't meant for us. And this only leads to feeling exhausted, to feeling frustrated, to feeling like you're gonna give up. It's that sinking feeling that nothing is ever gonna go your way.
So what if, what if we got to flip the script?
So there is a power in really looking at the contrast. What you don't want versus what you do want. Now I love Abraham Hicks and she talks a lot about contrast. The idea that experiencing what we don't want helps us understand what we do want. And this is so true, especially in midlife. By now we've had
plenty of evidence of what doesn't feel good. The stress, the overwhelm, the pressure to be everything to everyone, the constant running on empty, giving to everyone but ourselves. But what if instead of fighting against that reality, we used it as a compass? What if when we felt stuck or
anxious or sad or mad or scared or drained. We didn't push through it. You didn't push harder. But instead, you pause. Take a rest. one of the things my husband always says is, when I get tired of you, I'll take a nap.
And it's the big thing of, when we're stressed and struggling, when we're in a fight, when it's that anxious time, he's gonna go rest and not lose it over this. So what if instead you put a pause? I am knocking on doors, I'm beating on doors, I'm rattling doorknobs, nothing's working. And when that happens, what if instead you asked yourself,
What would feel better than this?
Not what would feel great, what would feel amazing, what would feel so good, what would feel better than this. Right where I am in this stress and struggle, what would feel better than this? And I love this question because I don't have to try to chase feeling good. I can just take a step to what is better than right now.
And then I can take a step to what is better than right now. And what is better than right now? And you start to tip the scales.
What's one small shift that I can make right now? Small. Can I turn on music? Can I go for a walk? Can I take a nap? Can I close my eyes and just breathe?
We're not looking for magic, we're looking for one small shift.
And then once we start deescalating, once we start feeling a tiny bit better,
seeing if we can ask ourselves, where is there already ease in my life? And how can I lean into that more? Coming back to what's working.
And it's amazing when we start to focus on what's working, how a lot of the times, if not all of the times, what's not working just sort of remedies itself.
Again, we're leaning into what feels good, what's working. Can we focus on that? If I'm struggling with something, right? Something's just not working in my life. I put pause. I shift my attention and do something that's easy, something that feels good, something that's aligned, and it doesn't have to be for work if I'm struggling with something at work. It gets to be just what feels good. We let go of the struggle. So much of the time, I bought into the story.
that the struggle was what made it valuable.
This little shift is where the magic happens. When we stop forcing closed doors and start allowing ourselves to look for open doors and then easily walk through them and trust that that ease is exactly what we need. That ease is telling us we're on the right track. That ease will bring us closer to the life that we want, the joy that we want, the
Success that we want.
We have learned rules that govern our life, dictate what we do.
And now in this mid space of life, it's time to break them. I want you to think about all the rules that you were taught growing up. The ones that shaped how you move through life. You have to work hard to be successful. You should always put others first. Sacrifice is noble. Rest is lazy. You can do hard things. Sure, you can. You have.
You've proven that, but do you always have to? Let me ask you this. How many times have you ignored your own needs because of these beliefs? Have you ever held your bladder through an entire meeting or a class, sitting there in discomfort because you didn't want to inconvenience anyone? We're literally trained to override our own bodies.
to ignore our own inner signals. But here's the truth. Your beliefs are not who you are. They're just thoughts that you've practiced over and over and over. And because they're just thoughts that you've practiced, you can choose new ones. Imagine for just a moment, if you got to go sit with your younger self. Now I'm totally,
imagining me sitting on the swing set with my younger self sitting on the swing set beside me and we're swinging. And what if we could have a conversation with your little girl? I think the inner child work is so powerful. And as my little girl self and me are both swinging on the swings, I look over and I say, you don't have to play by these rules anymore.
And you can see there's a little bit of distrust, right? But also just this relief of like, okay. And then I get to tell her, you get to choose. You get to listen to yourself. You get to follow what feels good.
and you can just see the ease that comes over her.
So recently in my own personal life, I started taking ballet classes again. So choosing an open door over closed ones.
So it's been since probably my freshman year of high school. I grew up in a really small town and we had one ballet teacher and she moved. And I think it was my freshman year of high school. And that's where my dance career ended. And so I, as a child, loved ballet. I loved dancing. This classical music still plays and there's just like this, that comes into my heart.
And it's been something that I've wanted to bring back into my life. But it was always life that got in the way. There wasn't a class that worked well for the time that I needed. I had to figure out childcare. I had to figure out this. I had to figure out that. It wasn't a necessity. It wasn't high priority. And it never felt like it was, like I could prioritize going to the gym over prioritizing ballet
because it felt a little frivolous. Like the gym, I'm not locked in to one time, right? I can flex it. So this year, I decided I'm doing things for me. I got my ears pierced. I'm taking a ballet class. I'm working with horses again. Like things that I have loved in my life that I never prioritized as I became an adult.
as I became a parent, as I focused on work over fun. And when I first decided to go.
there were a lot of objections that played through my head and a lot of the what ifs. Like, number one, it felt very selfish to say, my kids are at school all day long. I barely see them. I don't even see my daughter until after ballet class because she has her own thing. And then I go and I miss dinner and the house will be absolutely chaotic. And the kids will go to bed late and
My husband has to now handle dinner and bath and getting kids to and from things that I do all the time. But of course, it's not my way. So it's going to be chaotic and hard. And I acknowledged all of that. And there are days where, yes, all of that is true. But I got to tell myself, you know what? Yeah, that probably will happen. And that's okay. And I'm going anyway. And...
I do. Every Tuesday night, I go to ballet and I sometimes leave the house in chaos and I sometimes am reminding my husband to head out the door to pick up my daughter so he can make sure she's on time while I go do my thing. Things are not done in the way that I typically do them, but that's okay. I did it anyway and it lights me up. I love my Tuesday night ballet class.
And this is what happens when we start choosing ourselves. When we start saying that self-care is prioritizing ourselves, it's drinking water. It's eating healthy. It's moving our bodies. It's getting sleep. It's the things that make us feel good. When we start choosing ourselves, instead of sacrificing our joy for the sake of everyone else, we stop knocking on closed doors.
And we start saying yes to the ones that are already open. And absolutely, I could throw up a whole bunch of things that could make ballet hard. But the thing is the door is open. It still works. There's nothing that blocks my way. I can walk out the door and my inner voice is what's telling me. The inner stories are what's telling me that this is gonna be totally a fail. But it hasn't been.
I easily show up on time. I finish my class, I come home. Yes, the kids might go to bed late, but that's okay. Life still goes on.
And so as we wrap up the Me in the Middle series, I want to leave you with this question. What doors feel open to you right now?
What is something easy that if you just chose to walk through, pick it up, do it, would make you feel good?
What is something that your younger you, that little girl or human inside, what would that little being love to do? What is something that she absolutely loved?
and is no longer doing.
And your last question is, what would change in your life if you focused on more of what feels good? Because here's the thing, midlife isn't about pushing harder. It's really about shifting your focus. It's about recognizing that you don't have to keep proving yourself or forcing things that aren't meant for you. You've spent years holding everything together. Your family, your career, your home.
But where do you fit into the equation? What if instead of waiting for the right time, you gave yourself permission to step through the open door right in front of you?
What if you stopped trying to fix everything and started trusting yourself?
What would that feel like? To just follow the breadcrumbs of feeling good. To let, and Mel Robbins' book just came out, The Let Them Theory, I haven't read it yet. But to let them. To let the humans in your life do what they're gonna do. And just let them be. To let them think what they're gonna think. How many times do we wanna correct people? But instead, what if we just let them? Like if it's not hurting anything, just let them.
Stop forcing, stop knocking on the door, and just look for the open ones.
If this really resonates with you and you're ready to stop forcing what's not working and start leaning into what does, I love to be an open door for you. I'm opening up five one-to-one mentor spots this month for women who are ready to reclaim their joy, trust themselves, and create a life that actually feels good. This isn't about doing more.
It's about doing what actually matters for you. You don't have to figure this out alone. Let's do it together.
I've dropped a link to schedule a free discovery call in the comments, or you can head over to LandyPeak.com and book a call over there. I'd love to take 30 minutes to chat with you, to see what I can do to help you create the life that you deserve and that you love. And it feels good. And...
that allows that inner little girl to really start having fun. Because all of the beliefs, the rules that you're living your life by, they're not you. They're not the authentic you inside. She's in there and she wants out.
If now is the time, take this open door and let's chat. And because I think it is so incredibly important for humans to hear, especially adults, you are smart, you are fun, you are creative, you are loving, you are kind, you're funny. You are worthy and you are deserving to have anything and everything in this world that you want.
And I'm really glad that you are here in my life. I love you and I like you. And we'll talk to you on the next podcast.
Landy Peek (36:34)
Hey, before you go, just a little bit of legal. This podcast is designed for educational purposes only. It is not to replace any expert advice from your doctors, therapists, coaches, or any other professional that you would work with. It's just a chat with a friend, me, where we get curious about ideas, thoughts, and things that are going on in our lives. And as we're talking about friends, if you know someone who would benefit from the conversation today, please share.
Because I think the more that we open up these conversations, the more benefit we all get. So until next time, give yourself a big hug from me and stay curious because that's the fun in this world.
